September 12, 2006

Hey All,
Late Tuesday night and I'm hoping to get this letter done before Rachel gets to her internet cafe in France.
Ben got back late Saturday night (technically Sunday morning), and we're all very glad to be back together. We went to church on Sunday, and the weirdest thing happened! The church apparently has a new security/alarm system, and just as the deacons were lining up to take the water back up to the front, it goes off very loudly. A woman's voice saying, "Attention, there has been a report of an emergency," over and over again. Very loudly. Immediately a few people (1st counsellor, building coordinator, etc.) leave to see what was going on. Apparently no real emergency, just a glitch in the system. There was a pretty bad thunderstorm going on outside so maybe there was a power surge or something that set it off. Anyway, we waited a few minutes to see if it could be switched off, but no luck. Ben went out there too in case there was some computer interface that needed to be messed with. The bishop tried to keep the meeting going, but it was just too loud, so he dismissed us to classes. Unfortunately several of the larger classrooms have the alarm speakers inside, so we couldn't really go on with class. Finally at around 1:15 (church started at 12:30), the bishop just dismissed us to go home. Weird, huh? I've never been dismissed early from church before, I don't think.
So we just hung out the rest of the day, watching part of the Steve Erwin marathon on Animal Planet, and then a batman DVD Joseph checked out from the library, and me working on some studio backdrops. I took some pictures of the boys (Joseph and Mosey anyway, Brigham was too busy doing Brigham things) with some idea in my head of some storyboards I wanted to make. I'll attach them below.
Yesterday was spent mostly with laundry and picking up the house. I had the house very clean when Ben came home, but in one day with all the boys home most of the day, and me occupied with things other than picking up, it got very messy again. I took Mosey to Target and hit the school supplies clearance aisles. Got several boxes of markers for 35 cents and a new Blues Clues DVD for Mosey. The boy is seriously obsessed. And he REALLY likes Joe (more than Steve, I guess), and none of the Blues CLues videos we have (given to us by neighbors) have Joe, and none of the comcast on demand blues episodes have Joe, and so really it was quite essential to get some Joe episodes to add to our collection. Mosey spent most of the rest of the day watching Blues Clues, I am ashamed to say. I did better today limiting him. He is getting very strong-willed, though, and I'm pretty much guaranteed a battle when I turn off Blues Clues.
I got soaked riding over to pick up Brigham and Joseph from school. WHY does it have to downpour every day right at 2:00?? Once I got to the school, we waited under the covered patio in front of the school until it slowed down a bit.

It is so funny to watch Brigham and Joseph ride on those big wheels. They are getting very fast. They like to get going really fast and then bump into each other with their back wheels. If they get the right angle, they can actually overturn the other boys onto the grass beside the sidewalk. Reminds me of the chariot races where they put spikes on the wheels and try to knock the others out of the race. And Brigham does this totally cute thing, especially when it is raining. He leans his head way back, so his face is looking straight up. He'll ride like that for a while, sometimes with his mouth wide open to catch the raindrops. Joseph does this sometimes too, and weaves around on the sidewalk, just for fun.

Yesterday we were a little late for school, so when we got to the corner where they have to get off and walk their bikes, I told them to just run up to the school and I'd put their bikes in the bike rack. I told them to hurry up and get to the cafeteria before their classes left. As they were walking up the sidewalk ahead of me, Joseph said to Brigham, "Can I hold your hand?" And there they went, the two of them, hand in hand.

Today Mosey and I went to the gym right after taking the boys to school. Mosey was not happy about this as he wanted to go straight home and watch Blue. The whole ride there he was telling me, "Turn around mom, this is not the way mom!" And when we finally got to the gym, he was REALLY not happy and threw a fit there on the ground for a few minutes before I convinced him to go inside and throw his fit inside for a few minutes. Finally he calmed down enough for me to put him in the kids' room and I got a little bit of a workout in. Later after we got home (and Mosey watched an episode of Blues Clues) we went to my friend Rena's house to get my hair cut. And colored! Yay, no more grays. It is pretty much the same color as it was before, maybe a tad darker with a touch of red. I like it. The boys and Ben all didn't notice, so I think it is very subtle, which is what I wanted. I told Rena I was likely not to get any touch ups for months on end, so it would need to match my regular color pretty close! I seriously missed out on the usual girly hair-fixing gene, I just can't stand it. I dno't like my hair to look like a mess (as it usually does), but I just can't make myself take the time to fix it nice. It is so BORING to sit there blow drying my hair, curling it, putting whatever mousse or hairspray or gel or whatever in it. I'm a disgrace to femininity, I guess. But I also hate having grey hairs, so those just had to go.

While we were there, I was talking to Rena quite a bit about her twin pregnancy. She is 32 weeks, so getting pretty close. She is doing well, hasn't been put on bedrest or anything. Her bad morning sickness was a lot better for her by the time she was 16 or 17 weeks, and since then things have been pretty routine for her, except of course for the normal discomforts of having 2 babies growing inside you. But it made me a little sad I guess to hear her talk, because at this point she is pretty much sick of being pregnant and just wants it over. She says as soon as she hits 35 weeks she is going to insist on being induced. She says she just can't wait to feel like her body is her own again. She says she feels like she's been pregnant forever and it has been the hardest year of her life. She says she doesn't like to picture her babies too much because it kind of "creeps her out" to think about 2 babies living inside her body. She doesn't want a 3-D ultrasound because she thinks it would be creepy to see them. She hates going in for ultrasounds because it takes so long. She just wants the babies to be born so she can have her body to herself again.

Now, obviously the big difference between her twin pregnancy and mine is that hers was unplanned and she NEVER wanted twins, whereas mine was very much wanted and I'd dreamed of having twins since I was 8 years old. So I guess it just goes to show you how much your outlook truly affects your actual experience. I've made her out to be really negative, and she is right now, although I totally know her negativity is due to her physical discomfort. She is a really good mom and she really is excited to have these two babies. She's just not at all excited to be pregnant with them.

But I couldn't help but compare her words to my own feelings when I was 32 weeks with my twins. I surely wasn't comfortable! I remember clearly going to Jill's wedding and trying to sit there all through the sealing, and it really was hard. Staying still in any position for long is tough, with babies wedged all in your ribcage and squishing every organ inside your body. I remember constant pain under my ribs where Brigham's big head was stuck. I remember heartburn and never being able to eat more than a couple of bites before my squished stomach couldn't hold any more.. I remember still about once a week having a whole day where I would just throw up and not be able to keep anything down. I remember having to use my legs to get enough momentum swing my body over in bed, my belly was just so huge. I remember stretch marks all the way up past my belly button, sometimes burning so bad I would check to see if they were bleeding. I remember never being able to catch my breath, not being able to fit behind the steering wheel of the car and still be able to reach the gas pedals. I remember both babies getting hiccup fits at the same time at 3:00 in the morning, waking me up and then not being able to get back to sleep. I remember all of this and more. But I also remember having not a little bit of regret when the time finally came to deliver the babies. There is something so special about carrying life within you, I felt it was such an amazing privilege. I remember crying and crying a few days after they were born (ok, yeah, I'm sure it was due to the hormonal craziness of post-partum) because I would never feel them kick inside of me again, that I didn't have anyone to share my body with anymore. I do remember counting down the days to 28 weeks, then to 30, then 32, then 34, then 36, but not because I couldnt' wait not to be pregnant anymore, but because with each milestone I knew my babies would have a better and better chance if they were born prematurely.

And even now, I think I could do it again. And I didn't have an easy pregnancy either! Not the most difficult by any means, but no walk in the park either. Losing 30 lbs in 4 months due to extreme morning sickness is not easy. And bedrest and terbutaline at 27 weeks isn't that easy either. But I would still do it again if I had the choice.
So I don't quite know how to respond to my friend who is just so desperate to get those babies out of her. On one level I completely empathize with her physical complaints. But I don't relate to her negativity at all. I'm certainly not going to be telling her she needs to appreciate the miracle of pregnancy and birth, and that she should be grateful she's still pregnant and not visiting tiny sick babies in the NICU. So I don't really know what to say to her except to tell her she's doing a great job and it will all be worth it. I guess I just have this really judgmental attitude that it's not fair for people who don't really want to be pregnant with twins, or who resent the sacrifices that must be made, to then get to have the amazing blessing of having twins! There, I said it. My dark secret. I just know too many people who would give anything, and I mean ANYTHING to be in her shoes, and it seems so profoundly ungrateful for her to be complaining all the time.
But then again, I'm not in her shoes, and she didn't ask to be in this position, so who knows. I am so glad, however, that I am able to look back on my twin pregnancy (and Mosey's too) with fondness, and with immeasurable gratitude that I was able to experience it.

Ok, I've blathered on way too long.
Here are the storyboards I made today. Aren't my boys cute? Now I've got to make one of Brigham. He's my boy that is the least camera friendly (has a congenital inability to actually LOOK at the camera for longer than a milisecond), so it could be a challenge.