meh

No Torty yet... :-(
We spent a long time looking for him, and Ben and Joseph crawled under the deck and got unbelievably dirty. I really like that little guy and hope he turns up. Joseph asked if I thought he was just in a really long bad dream and he would wake up and Torty wouldn't be lost. That broke my heart a little.
We had stake conference today. Our stake broadcast the meeting to our ward building because there just isn't enough room in the Stake Center for everybody. 2 hours watching a grainy broadcast in a darkened chapel isn't that fun for little boys, but they did well anyway. Afterward, an older lady a couple of rows back complimented the boys on their good behavior. She went on to complain about all the other kids who were not so reverent (it was kind of loud, but I mostly tune that stuff out), and how it showed a lack of respect to God and the failure of parents to discipline their kids. She was nice to compliment my boys, but I thought she was pretty unfair to all the other families who made the effort to go to Stake Conference, which many families take as a "free pass." It's not easy for little kids to be still and quiet for *that* long. Why do people get judgmental like that? Shouldn't church be the one place we have compassion for others and forgive them their weaknesses? Then I have to hold the mirror up to my own face and wonder why I'm being so uncharitable to that poor woman who just wanted to feel the spirit and was distracted by all the kid-noises.
Anyway.
I totally forgot about a presidency meeting tonight. I had my phone off and was in my room folding clothes and listening to my iPod when the RS President knocked on my door to pick me up. Ben was in the front room, but was sleeping and didn't wake up to her knocks. Oops. I hate dropping the ball like that. I really, really hate feeling irresponsible. I constantly have this dread that deep down I really am irresponsible and pretty soon the truth will come out and everyone else will realize it too.
Yesterday I went to the memorial service for a woman in my ward who just died of colon cancer. She was only 2 years older than me and left 3 little kids and a husband who adored her. The service was so beautiful, but so, so sad. She and I had talked a few times about chemotherapy and how hard chronic illness can be for kids (this was her 2nd bout with cancer after having first been diagnosed 5 years ago). I've felt some weird form of survivor's guilt-- just as I was recovering from my stem cell transplant which will hopefully put me in permanent remission, she was finding out about her recurrence, which she knew would be terminal. I've thought about her so much over the past year. During those times when I've felt discouraged or pessimistic or depressed, I've thought about how if she allowed herself to think about it (which she probably did not), she would have traded places with me in an instant and felt like the luckiest person in the world to do so. She was a very brave person. She had 5 younger brothers, and they were all there with their families yesterday, and 3 of her sisters-in-law sang the song I want sung at my funeral, and the whole thing was very emotional for me. I wanted to say something meaningful to her husband on my way out, but barely choked out, "That was beautiful and I'm so glad I got to attend." And then felt like an idiot because what kind of moron would be "glad" to attend someone's memorial? I doubt he registered my idiocy, but I still felt bad. I guess there's nothing good to say in those circumstances.
Anyway, it's been one of those "meh" weekends for me, I guess.