Hi everyone,
This last week was pretty crazy! It's been a
continuation of the house fix-it project. We finally finished getting
the kitchen sink properly installed, the faucets and plumbing under the
bathroom sinks finished, the wallpaper removed and texturing and
painting of the bathrooms, new light fixtures put up in several rooms,
and new hardware installed on several doors. In between projects I
attempted to keep the chaos and dirt at bay, with dubious success.
The boys enjoyed the week. I think all kids like an injection of
chaos into their lives every now and again. :-) There was too much
computer game playing. I'm going to try this week to implement a
schedule for the computer games, and if I can't do it, then I may have
to consider draconian measures like banning them entirely. I don't want
to do this, because I think in small amounts, computer games are fine.
The one the boys are most into these days is Tanki Online (which I
think I've talked about before-- you are a tank and you are trying to
shoot other tanks in order to get "crystals" that fall from the sky and
give you points so you can upgrade your tank and shoot more tanks and
get more crystals-- obviously a lot of creative thinking, strategizing,
and skill-building going on-- oh, wait...). It's a stupid game, but
since it's played online, you can play against your friends if you're
online at the same time. Also, most of the 8-12 year old boys in the
ward play this game and it is a point of commonality between them all,
something I'm sensitive to with my homeschooled boys. So I don't
necessarily want to ban them entirely. But I also do not want to spend
my summer policing computer use. Yesterday after entirely TOO LONG on
the computer (I was distracted working on some other projects), I came
in and said, "OK, the computer is OFF. No more games!" And then
Brigham said, "But I haven't even had a chance to play!" Which I think
was probably true. But if he's playing, his brothers are watching him
play, which I think may be even WORSE than playing the game yourself
(more passive). So I told him too bad, and then felt guilty. So, I
think we're going to have an hour of computer game time-- 20 minutes for
each boy, and they can all sit there and watch each other play if they
want (why???), but after that hour, online computer games are done.
Other things:
Dentist/orthodontist appointments for the boys. No
cavities. Brigham and Joseph are ready for the next step in their
orthodontia, which will be head gear or herbst devices. Head gear would
be worn 12 hours a day, overnight. Herbst devices are semi-permanent
devices in the mouth-- basically little hinges that connect the top and
bottom jaw, doing the same thing as head gear. You can't take it out,
and it is quite a mouthful. I've read online that kids are absolutely
miserable for a couple of weeks, and then they get used to it. But then
sometimes the hinges get disconnected and you have to go back and get
them fixed. Head gear, on the other hand, can be taken off, won't
interfere with eating and talking, and won't (presumably) get broken.
But it probably would mean some level of battling with the boys to get
them to wear it for the full amount of time. Ben is in favor of the
herbst device. I'm more in favor of the headgear, because having that
mouthful of metal all the time with no break sounds pretty miserable.
Anyone have any thoughts? We need to get moving on this.
The boys decided Thursday was Sandy's birthday (based on how old the
vet estimated she was when she was taken by the rescue organization).
They were so excited. They gave her extra treats, took her on special
walks, and otherwise babied her. They love that dog.
I sold our refrigerator. It took a good 2 1/2 hours to clean it all
out. The way it fit in our kitchen, it was extremely hard to pull all
the way out, so I think the floor underneath/behind got cleaned about
once over the past 5 years. And since it was against a wall, the
refrigerator door couldn't open all the way, so the drawers and trays
couldn't be pulled all the way out to clean underneath and behind. So
it was a fair amount of work. Joseph and Brigham helped a bit, but it
was mostly a job I needed to do. I'm not going to way 5 years between
cleanings anymore. :-) We got a new refrigerator-- I finally decided
to just get a new one. I think it was the right choice. It is a
"stainless-look" refrigerator, which I guess is a different type of
metal, or a different finish or something. In any case, it doesn't show
fingerprints! The boys helped to get it set up on Wednesday night. It
was a late night for them since Ben and I didn't even get it home until
after 10:00 PM. Yesterday Ben and Brigham installed the new microwave,
so now all we are waiting for is to sell our oven so we can get a
matching stainless one, and then the kitchen will be done!
On Friday night the boys had some friends over to spend the night.
I'm not a huge fan of overnights. The
boys got very little sleep and were consequently tired and grumpy the
next day. But this family is moving to Utah in 2 weeks, which will be
hard on Joseph since he and Jacob are good friends, so I'm letting them
spend as much time together as they want.
Today was church. We were SO LATE. Neither Ben nor I set our
alarms, because I almost never sleep past 7:30, and even if I do, the
boys are always up by 8:00. Except for this morning. The boys were
catching up on sleep from the night before, and I guess Ben and I were
wiped out from all the stuff we were doing this weekend. So we woke up
at 8:45, exactly the time we should have been pulling out of our
driveway. Oops.
OK, here is a little bit of a pity-party. Feel free to skip.
I've
been a little bit down the past few days. It's been fun doing a lot of
home fix-it stuff, but it's one of those things that forces me to
confront my diminished abilities. I'm working on things I've done
several times before, only now it is so, so, so much harder. And then I
start thinking about how different my life is from how I thought it
would be. And then I start feeling jealous of other people. And that
is a recipe for misery. I know I need to focus on what I CAN do, rather
than what I can't do. But this whole week has been a study in what I
can no longer do. And when I get depressed, it's hard to think of
anything I can do really well. I know I do some things well, but it's
hard to think of anything that I do or am NOW that is better than it
would be if I didn't have MS.
I know there are not always compensating benefits to bad things in
life. In fact, there frequently are not. But I still do like to think
that if I really try hard to make something good of a bad situation,
then I should be able to do it. Maybe I just don't have the perspective
to see it, but this week I've had a hard time thinking of anything
about myself that is better because of MS. I keep thinking of what a
better mother and wife I could be if I wasn't disabled. How many more
things I could do! I follow a small handful of other mommy blogs which recently have been causing me some pain. They are full of fun summer-time activities that they are doing *with* their kids-- things I can't do. I feel sad I can't do them, and sad because I can't give my children those opportunities or memories with their mother. Even the pictures on a couple of these blogs cause
me pain because I see how limited I am in my own photography. Good photography is mostly about being in the right place at the right time, finding the right lighting and the best angle, all things that are very hard for me to do because my mobility is so limited. I read these blogs and I see pictures of what I wanted for my own
life. And that is really hard. I know their lives aren't perfect; no one's is. Some of them have gone through really hard
times, and I do not begrudge them the beautiful lives they have created for
her families. But I do mourn what I might have had.
When I get in these moods I often try to think how much worse it *could*
be, and how fortunate I really am compared to most of humanity. But
it's not really cutting it this time. In fact, it's back-firing a
little bit because I start thinking about how much worse it could still
get. So even when I'm thinking, "At least I can still ______," there is
a little voice that is saying, "How long is that going to last?" Why
is it hard for me to really enjoy something that I know I might lose?
It seems like it should make it easier. But it doesn't really because
the enjoyment is contaminated by intruding thoughts of how crappy it
will be if/when I no longer have it. This is a character flaw because it
shows ingratitude.
Anyway, I guess it's OK to go through periods of mourning sometime.
I'll get through it and things will get better. I think especially
after my Houston appointments are over and that anxiety is cleared out,
things will get better. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I
wish I could just take a vacation from MS. To have my old body back
just for a day (or a week or a month). But, I guess it would make it that much harder to go
back.
I'm going to try hard this week to be happier, even if it means
simply making myself smile more during the day. I'm going to do things
with my kids instead of dwelling on what I can't do. I'm going to try
to banish negative thoughts. It's so stupid to waste time being sad.
I hope everyone else also has a happy week!
Love,
Gabrielle
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