Ok, here's me being petty for a minute.
Before my MS got bad, I dreamed of being a photographer. I even did it professionally (although very part time) for a short while. Then, the whole not being able to walk thing sort of got in my way.
After that, I did some freelance Photoshop work for a couple of photographers I "met" on an online photography forum. They liked my work and I processed their photos. It drove me crazy to do it, actually, because I could see the flaws in the work (I know, like my photos were ever flawless...), and I really wanted to be the one shooting the pictures.
Anyway, I guess I've stayed in the email address book of one of these photograhers and today I got a mass email from her excitedly writing about how she was featured in a particular photography magazine. What?? So I went and read the article, and apparently she's now a very in-demand children's fashion photographer with some big clients in a very big city. Apparently she got really popular over the last 2 years since I last did PS work for her. I went to her website, and I'm sorry, but she hasn't improved all that much. I still see things that could be improved, and I KNOW I could (would) be better than her if my dumb legs worked.
That's fine, whatever. I never did have any desire to be a big-shot photographer, and I wouldn't choose that even if I could. But it stinks to see what some people have gone and done while I've sat here, my camera only coming out of my bag every few days for dumb shots of my boys' latest science project...
I'm not really jealous of her. I'm kind of amused at how capricious "success" is in photography. Greatest talent does not necessarily equal greatest success. I suppose that is true in any industry. But it does make me annoyed at my MS.
A woman in our ward has asked me to do family portraits (something I'm happy to do once in a while), and she showed me her friend's facebook page with family portraits they had recently done, because she loved the style. I loved the style, too, and instantly knew I could never take the pictures she wants. They were all wonderful candid shots, catching the children unawares, and spontaneous family interactions. Which all require being able to walk (or run!) and be able to follow kids around and be in the right place at the right time for the perfect shot. Nope, I'll never be able to do that again.
I don't like imposed limitations. Who does, right? I forget about my MS most of the time (well, I can't ever really forget it because it dictates pretty much every move I make, or don't make, every hour of the day. But I don't think about it too consciously very often). This disease has certainly altered almost everything about the way I live my daily life, but most of the important aspects of my life I've been able to adapt to accommodate my disability, so it's ok. But every now and then I'm faced with something that I really CAN'T do because of my MS. And it stinks.
The Turners
Gabrielle and Ben
Joseph
Brigham
Mosey
About Me
- Gabrielle
- I am a Christian, a wife, mother, homeschool teacher, perfectionist, night-owl, reader, conservative, photographer, and a lot more. I have 3 boys-- 11 year old twins named Joseph and Brigham, and a 9-year-old named Moses. I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2005. I went from a 30-mile-a-week runner to being mostly wheelchair-bound in 2 years. In 2008 I was accepted into the HALT-MS study-- a clinical trial in which I underwent an autologous stem cell transplant (bone marrow transplant) in an attempt to put the disease into remission. So far, I have remained stable for more than four years! I am grateful every day for the new lease on life that God (and modern medicine and awesome doctors, but mostly God :-)) has granted to me, and the chance I have to teach and raise my boys, love my husband, and experience the joy, frustration, happiness, and heartache that life brings.
5 comments:
everyone gets to be petty once and awhile (as long as we perk up quick and be grateful for what we have right? :) and anyway its not petty anyway to be sad about 'lost' dreams .... and not that it's much comfort but I love the pictures you show on your blog. No joke a spent way too long going through your slide show on your side bar a few weeks ago. I would hire you to take my family pictures in a flash. (I'm so sorry - I hate MS!)
I'm with Whitney -- you have no need to apologize for anything. What you do with what you have is astonishing and inspiring to everyone who knows you. Fame is so random and fleeting. And I hate MS too.
Oh, Gabrielle, that stinks. I'm really sorry.
You know, Gabrielle, I was thinking the other day about how I sometimes forget that you have MS because it so seldom comes through in your posts, and it certainly doesn't seem to affect you involvement in your boys' lives, etc. You have been remarkable in not making this disease the central fact of your life. But I do wish that you could do everything that you desire--everything that you have the talent to do. It's not fair. It just isn't.
I feel that way sometimes about certain bloggers/writers whose talents I do not judge commensurate with their success (I'm looking at you, Dooce)---and I only have laziness to blame for my own failures. (There are four small children, too, of course.)
You are so gifted at child photography, and I know it will always be your great love. It is so not fair that you can't do it the way you used to anymore. I know it would always be second best, but have you thought about something like food, flower or prop styling photography? Besides your technical skills with the camera, you also have a great artistic sensibility... anyway, just a thought.
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