Ok, two posts in one day. I just wanted to give the first day of school its own post.
So I'm finding myself struggling with fear the past few days. I kind of anticipated this might happen. Now that the transplant is over and there is nothing left for me to "do," my mind gets away with me. Maybe it's a little like what cancer patients in remission feel whenever they go back to the doctor to get scanned. What if the transplant doesn't work? What if the next MRI or the one after that show my MS lesions growing? What if, after all of this, I have to face the prospect of life with progressive MS anyway?
All of these are very real questions that I can't simply blow off. I know that, according to the other studies that have been done, I generally fit the profile of someone who will be successful in the transplant, but that is far from an absolute. It is very possible that my MS will simply come right back.
I know the answer to these fears. First of all, faith. It's hard for me to have total faith that the transplant will work. That's a failing on my part, I guess, but at my heart, I'm a realist (fatalist?). I know there are people with all the faith in the world, who still find their deepest desires unfulfilled. I've had priesthood blessings, but it is always easy to say that the words of reassurance don't necessarily mean the transplant will work, but that everything will be ok even if it doesn't.
That's where I know I need to place my faith-- that whatever happens, it will be ok. It may not be what I want, but with faith I can move forward into the unknown and know that one way or another, it will be ok.
I wish I believed more in destiny. I wish I could tell myself that no matter what happens, it is what was "meant to be," and that God had planned it to be that way all along. And it may be so, I certainly think that God does act in that way at least sometimes. I'm just not sure that every bad thing that happens is necessarily God making it happen. I tend to think that God lets life happen to us, but is there to help us through it whenever we ask. I guess in that way, everything that happens is a part of God's overarching plan, I just don't think he necessarily plans the specifics for us all the time. I think he does sometimes, just not all the time. And I don't know if my life story is something he's specifically planning out for me or not.
But I can have faith that God will help me, no matter what happens. That he will provide a way for me to be content and happy, if I look for it. He will provide a way for my boys to be compensated in other ways for the disabilities of their mother, if Ben and I help them to find those ways.
I know those things, but it's still hard in those quiet moment when my mind starts going to the "What if?" place.
I think a more immediate answer for me is to learn to really live in the moment. If my MS does come back, I better be appreciating every day that I can walk. I better appreciate and take advantage of everything I CAN do with my boys. I better try to do things now that I may not be able to do in the future (DisneyWorld, anyone?). I need to take joy in the present, not necessarily in things that may happen in the future, which is how I live too much of the time. I tend to live my life planning for things in the future, and not enjoying today enough. Did I really absorb every moment of my precious children's delightfulness today? I need to let those moments make me happy and forget about worrying or fearing the future. Worry or fear will not change anything except how I feel today.
So that is my task, now that the transplant is over. To acknowledge the reality of my worries and fears, and then set them aside. To decide that I will enjoy what today has to offer and let that give me satisfaction, instead of always thinking about what I may not be able to do next year or in five years.
I have all the answers, huh? Ha, ha, ha. So why is it so hard to internalize them? Any practical advice anyone may have for me is appreciated.
I'm sorry to sound so down, I'm not really. I guess the realist in me wants to kind of brace myself for a bad outcome, so if it happens it won't be such a blow. But that's not making my days any brighter! Is that a stupid life strategy? Is it better to expect the best and then deal with disappointment when it comes? And if that is better, how to I switch from the former to the latter?
Hmmm, maybe what I need is a good psychotherapist!
Thanks for listening.
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7 comments:
thank you for sharing your thoughts. i agree with you in so many ways. it is too easy to live outside of the moment. it is powerful for me to hear your life-view and to witness your strength through your recent experiences. thank you.
This will sound so lame and insignificant compared to anything that you have been going through. Sometimes (luckily not often) I am in pain, like suffering from an extremely killer headache, or my foot is swollen up so puffy that it feels like it's going to burst, or my back is killing me, in excruciating pain, and I feel completely incapacitated, thrwarted and frustrated for what I have on my agenda to do.
Then when I feel better, it makes me think, "wow, now that (none of the above afflictions) are giving me any problems, I should be grateful and do everything that I want, and just do all that I can until the next hurdle comes along." We never know what's ahead, good or bad. That's part of life, I guess. I think you have some valid thoughts and concerns. I also wonder about how much of the details we deal with are up to us to handle, etc.
I'm really excited for you to have the transplant over with. There was a lot of fear going into it, the unknown. You've survived it, it's been awful, but you made it. You've been an incredible example to so many people of strength and endurance and being brave. I really don't think I could have fared this illness nearly as well as you have. We all have heard that we aren't given any more than we can handle. Apparently, you CAN handle it, or you wouldn't be going through it!
Maybe it's your ponderings that you blog about that helps others give things another thought about their ordeals and trials. I'll stop rambling. I feel for you!
I remember having that conversation with you a couple of years ago at my pool. How you dont believe that God has a hand in every little thing that happens to us. Russell is sort of like you. The pesimist! Expect the worst and then be happy when things turn out better than you thought. His ways are starting to rub off on me and I find myself thinking more negatively than I used to back when I was a true optimist. I think I will go back to my old ways of thinking...although it is not very easy to go back. When I start thinking about things too much and worrying...I simply say to my self...."WHATEVER" and believe it or not it makes me feel better. Whatever happens...happens! In President Hinkleys words...Nothing is ever as bad as it seems!
Hang in there. You have been through more than any of us can imagine. You are strong! You are worth feeling strong! So tell yourself to feel strong and say..... "WHATEVER"
Your thoughts mirror mine. I know that God is in the details of our lives... but his willingness to allow for a truly mortal experience for us necessitates his allowing life to "run its course" in many ways.
I've been through this struggle with my dad and his health situation(s). What happens to faith when priesthood blessings go unfulfilled--at least the way we envisioned? The bottom line is that he CARES and LOVES and HEARS and HEALS. The eternal perspective is really the only one that matters... and in that case he will always be watching over our best interest. It is up to us to trust that.
I love you for your faithful realism... a continuing pragmatic faith. Your determination to live in the moment with your family will make an eternal difference.
I'm like you, always a realist (fatalist) and I tend to expect the worst, maybe to protect myself from the feelings that come with dissapointment and heartaches. On the other hand, I liked what you said about the fact that no matter how you look at it, what will be, will be. So optimism sure makes your todays a lot sweeter. I bet you get a lot of both projected from all of us. I hope I can be one, in life in general, who is optimistic and encouraging, without offending some of the realities of the possibilities. No, the miracles don't always come through the way we hope. But I'm still praying for miracles for you, Gabrielle. We love you, and as I told Brigham, through all of this ordeal, even if our supply of miracles is running short, it's become so clear that YOU are the miracle. We love you and we really admire you.
Dear Gabrielle,
You are not a pessimist, you are a human being having a perfectly normal reaction to a very difficult situation. This is a saying I love whenever life seems too difficult to figure out.
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation-some fact of my life -unacceptable ot me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person,place,thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
My prayers are with you for peace and happiness. Love, Suzie Kelley
I remember being at your house, sweeping and talking, and you saying, "No matter what, I'm going to have a happy life." I was so impressed by that. Having dealt with other kinds of health issues, I went from being a total optimist and thinking that there was a reason for everything, to feeling God had completely forsaken me and that there was no way he knew what I was dealing with. That if He actually knew what was going on, He would never give me that much to deal with at once. I was told once that I would be so proud of myself for making it through this and that God was very aware of me. If it makes any difference, Gabby, I know the same and more applies to you. You are truly amazing. I watch you from afar (so as not to compromise your immune system and/or tire out you while you're recovering) and am so impressed by your tenacity for life. Thank you for your honesty, your example and know you are in my prayers.
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