must... clean... house...

Hello Everyone,
Ok, it is 10:36 A.M. and an hour and a half of my precious no-kid time is gone, with no cleaning of the house to show for it. Ugh. House cleaning is really and truly the bane of my existence. It's not so horrible, but it takes so much time and then I don't have time to do the things I really want to do. I was whining to Ben yesterday as we were frantically cleaning up before our home-teacher came over, that I feel like my skills and talents are totally wasted on cleaning the house, which is all I seem to have time to do during my discretionary time. It just puts me in a very bad mood. And my legs are getting bad again, which just makes it that much harder. I can't do very much before I have to stop and rest. And I'm not used to working that way. I'm used to just attacking a project, no matter what it is, and pushing as hard as I can until it is done. If I stop to break, I lose momentum and motivation, and the work tends to not get done. So it is exceedingly frustrating to not be able to get a job finished in one fell swoop.
I'm depressed about my legs. I'm hoping they've taken a turn for the worse because I've been sick the past week. Maybe. But I never did get back as much function after this last round of steroids than I have before, and I think things now are probably as good as they'll ever be, and that is depressing for me. It's going to take me a long time to adjust to my new limitations. I used to not HAVE limitations, so just having them at all is a big adjustment. I've noticed my spasticity is coming back, and generalized weakness and how quickly I reach muscle fatigue. Things are still better than they were before the steroids, but I've noticed some deterioration over the past week and that scares me and depresses me. But it is what it is, and I can't change it, so I'll have to just get past it! My next doctors appointment is October 31, so I'll just have to see how things go over the next month.
I sort of just feel like my whole life is not quite how I want it, and I'm not sure how to get it where I do want it. I'm frustrated with how long the boys' school hours are. After they get home, almost all their time is taken up with TKD twice a week, reading practice with each child, piano practice (they're only doing like 5 minutes or so), I also want to work on one other subject each day, and then I have to get dinner ready and then the afternoon is over. Everything is too rushed and I don't feel like we are able to really enjoy each other. And I would like them to get involved in a couple of other activities-- actual piano lessons, maybe soccer, Brigham's been asking about gymnastics class, Joseph wants to join a science club. But there is NO WAY we can do that unless the boys completely give up any free play time at all. And that doesn't seem right for 6 year olds. So the idea of home-schooling has been popping into my mind again. I've always wanted to homeschool, in fact, I always planned on it. And then I got diagnosed with M.S. and I just didn't feel on top of things enough to start, so I sent them to public school. And then we moved and decided to live in this area specifically *for* the public schools, and my life has been crazy since then as well. But I just can't see us doing this for the next 12 years. I could absolutely get the boys through all their formal school lessons before lunch. Then after lunch all the way until dinner they could play, take lessons, go to practices, we could go on outings and field trips, and take the time to be *kids.* I know I could do it. I totally don't mind being a chauffeur in the afternoons, if we've had the rest of the day to be together, enjoy each other, the boys have had time to play, they don't have homework hanging over them, etc., etc. They could be as busy as they want in the afternoons, because I'm not trying to squeeze in all these other things-- play time, homework, family time, etc.
What is holding me back is just fear of the unknown I guess. I'm not afraid I couldn't do it, or that I couldn't do a really good job. I know I could. There is nothing I have ever tried to do, that I've felt passionate about, that I've been committed to, that I have failed at. Is that arrogant of me to say? Maybe. But I guess it feels weird to live in this part of town, much more expensive than other areas we could have moved to, specifically FOR the public schools, and then not have the boys *attending* those schools. But if I could do a better job than the public school, then I guess it shouldn't matter how good the public school is. I'm afraid of pulling the boys out because I don't do well with confrontation, and I'm afraid of a confrontation with the school. And I genuinely like the boys' teachers, and I'm afraid of making them feel bad. Ok, I know these are dumb reasons, but they still worry me. And, ok, I'll admit it, I'm a little afraid of what people will think of me for pulling my boys out of school. Homeschooling is becoming more common, but is far from mainstream. I also worry that the boys will really miss some aspects of public school. Comeraderie with the other kids, their "specials" classes, recess, lunch with all the other kids. I think they are really, truly enjoying 1st grade. 1st grade is fun, why shouldn't they enjoy it? If I pulled them out, they'd be working harder academically, and probably wouldn't have as much fun, at least for the school part of things. I hope they'd overall have more fun because they'd have more time to do things they really enjoy. And I know as the school years progress, things get less fun. I remember being *so* bored by the time I got to 3rd grade. School wasn't fun anymore because it was so repetitive and slow and boring. And socially things got more confusing. As kids get older, they are more driven to obtain acceptance and approval from their peers. As 6 year olds, my boys are still oblivious to all of this, but I know it will happen. In 4th grade I was betrayed by my former best friend, and went through the entire school year pretty much with no friends. It was horrible. My boys don't need that. So I guess I could let them stay in school for the next couple of years and then pull them out, but I don't know if that's a good idea either. If we really are going to homeschool, I should just start now so we're not playing catch-up in a couple of years.
I have all sorts of other reasons *to* homeschool. I have no doubts about it being the best path academically, and there's no point in even comparing public schooling to homeschooling in terms of moral training, instilling values, and producing young adults who are self-sufficient, self-disciplined, and very comfortable and strong in who they are.
Ben still has some doubts, which makes sense since he sees how hard it is for me to keep the house clean. And that part of my life certainly wouldn't be made any easier by homeschooling my kids. Quite the contrary. But at least I would feel like the majority of my time is being spent in something truly worth my time, my energy, my talents. And if we ever get our Florida house sold, we could afford to have a cleaning service.
I just feel like I'm allowing my dreams and passions for my kids to slip by me because it just seems like a little too much effort to pursue them. And I don't like the way that feels. I don't want to look back in 12 years and regret that I didn't have the courage to chase my dreams. This is the ONLY childhood my kids get. I want to make it as rich and as wonderful as it can possibly be. I only have 3 children, and probably will only ever have 3 kids. It is not an impossibly daunting task to homeschool 3 kids, especially when 2 will be in the same grade! Lots of people homeschool very effectively with a lot more kids.
There are lots of other things I could do to fill my time, and even lots of things that would be a worthy use of my skills and talents. But I can't think of anything ultimately more important or more fulfilling than being an intrinsic, important part of my kids' lives, and helping them to train their minds and spirits for the rest of their lives.
Ok, so that's my little pep talk to myself, I guess. I'm not sure what I'll do. I'm trying to slowly introduce the elements of homeschooling to my kids after school and on weekends. Maybe after Christmas break we'll talk about pulling the boys out of school. Or maybe doing stuff after school and on weekends will be enough. It could be, but then the boys wouldn't be able to do all the other extra curricular after school stuff that they'd like to do, and I'd like them to do. So I don't know. I think it might take some time for Ben to be persuaded that I really *can* do this, and that it really *will* be better for the boys. So I need to get myself organized and disciplined over the next several weeks so I can convince him and myself that I can do this.
SO, on that note, I really MUST get some housework done so that after school I can focus completely on the boys and not be stressed and distracted by chores that need to be done.
Have a great week everyone.
Oh, and here is my promised note to Abraham. You are the kind of kid and student that I would like my boys to be like when they are 18. But I'm sure you recognize what kind of an exception you are among the vast majority of your peers at LCHS. And LCHS is one of the top public high schools in the state. It's a little scary when you look at the average student at LCHS and realize that they would be considered elite among the average high school students in the rest of the state/country. I hope you're not freezing up there in Utah. Usually the end of Sept, beginning of Oct. is one of the hottest times of year in Southern Cal! It's nice to actually experience fall, isn't it? Too bad fall has to be followed by winter...