Lake Austin

Today was a good day, but at the same time a little difficult for me. It was good because we did a lot of good stuff! I took Joseph to breakfast at McDonalds, just a mother-and-son breakfast date. It was good. Joseph doesn't open up as much as the other two boys, and sometimes I wonder if I'm getting through to him. But he actually listened to me pretty well, even if he didn't talk that much. He's had a really good last 3 or 4 days, and I want to keep that trend going! We then went to Hobby Lobby to get some stuff for our nickel jars, and then to a little gift shop for him to buy a new Webkinz animal, a Husky dog he named "Cripto." On our way home, he saw signs for a garage sale and wanted to go by and see what it was like. The signs were cute, each one had a different adjective-- "Huge garage sale!" "Wonderful garage sale!" "Fun garage sale!" So we drove by, and it was a huge garage sale! No where to park on the road (this was a garage sale at a really big, nice home), so we just drove on by.
Ben worked all day getting our new pool liner in the pool. He did a great job. This was a BIG job, taking several days of after-work work, and almost all day today. The little boys "helped" him today, and he's out there now, finishing up (cutting the holes for the filter and light, sealing these off, and replacing the hardware). It will probably take all day long tomorrow to fill it up. He saved $450 doing it himself!
I went to Walmart and got a couple things he needed plus dog food and a plant I'm giving to a friend. Mosey has a friend at preschool who is adopted from China. Her parents are really great. Her mom has taken Mosey to and from preschool several times, and watched him a few other times when I've had to go to Houston. They are trying to adopt another baby from China, and just had a match fall through because of some stupid technicality. They are going through the waiting child program which lists children with various medical conditions, because the wait time for a traditional adoption is now about three years (yeah, and people say "just adopt" when you can't conceive on your own, as if it's so easy!!!). Anyway, they found the perfect little baby a couple weeks ago, with a very minor heart condition that may well resolve on its own, and they just fell in love with him. Well, after they were going forward with everything, China suddenly changed the requirements for this little boy and decided they had to already be on some list or other to be qualified to go forward with the adoption. My friends were not on this list, but were literally days away from being so. They asked for an exception, since the rules were changed after they had already been matched, but China denied the exception. There was still a chance they could get this baby once their papers had been approved, which happened yesterday, but they found out today that he had been matched to someone else during the last 7 days that all the confusion was going on. So she is pretty devastated. I don't know what to say to her except I'm so sorry. She is very discouraged and feels like this was the perfect match, and it slipped through her fingers. I can't imagine the disappointment. It's got to be just like a miscarriage, maybe even more poignant because they knew his name, had his picture, he was a real baby (is a real baby), but won't be theirs. So anyway, I bought an angel wing jasmine plant to give to her.
This evening we went to Lake Austin for a ward activity with a Luau theme. The boys had a fun time playing in the water, but Mosey got stung by a bee. Poor guy!
It was a hard day for me, though, I guess because the reality of my disability is starting to sink in a little. This past year has been so crazy, and things have changed so fast, a lot of it hasn't seemed real. But I guess it is starting to. I sat outside watching Ben work on the pool, and it was so frustrating not to be able to help. And then after about 10 minutes I tried to get up to go inside, and found I not only couldn't walk, I couldn't even stand up. Yes, 10 minutes in 85 degree weather was enough to render me totally helpless. Ben had to carry me inside. This is very sad to me. How many things will I never be able to do with my family, if I can't tolerate 10 minutes in not-very-hot weather? I went inside and my left eye was also completely fuzzy. My left eye is the one having trouble with optic neuritis. I really don't want to lose my vision. It took a few hours to recover, and even after a few hours inside the cool house, I still was really weak for the rest of the evening.
I hope I'll recover some after the transplant. I know that sometimes nerve damage can repair itself. We've all heard stories of quadraplegics who miraculously recover nerve function the doctors didn't think possible. I don't know if I should hope for that, or try to adapt my expectations to a lifetime of where I'm at right now. I'm so grateful I have the mobility I do have, don't get me wrong. I know it could be much worse. But it's still a tough adjustment, and some days the disappointment just hits hard.
At the Luau tonight, there was a hula hoop contest, and I remembered a year and a half ago at our ward Luau in Florida, I re-learned how to hula-hoop and I was really good! It was sad to me to realize I can't do that anymore and may never again. Also I just get worn down with frustration at the end of the day when everything is so difficult. I am glad I still have the ability to get around somewhat, but it is so HARD. It's so disheartening when just getting up to help my 4 year old in the bathroom is a major undertaking. The house is a mess and I get so panicked about it, knowing I'll never be able to clean in up myself. I tried to clean up the house yesterday while all the boys were at school/preschool, and I got the playroom picked up (mostly sitting on the floor and scooting myself about), and the dirty dishes put in the sink, and dirty laundry thrown into my room, and that was IT! I was wiped out for the rest of the day. The house wasn't close to being clean. It is so frustrating to have my entire day's worth of energy used up doing these stupid chores that would normally take me probably 10 minutes or less. Maybe I shouldn't waste my energy like that, but I also can't stand going about the day with the stress and anxiety a dirty/messy house gives me. It's a dilemma! I feel horrible leaving all the household chores for Ben to do after he gets home from work, especially when he's been working so hard in our backyard. And the boys do help, but some days there just isn't time for them to really help clean up. They have homework and Tae Kwon Do, and dinner and bedtime routine, and there just isn't time. I feel like I need to give them time to just play, they can't be scheduled with stuff most of the afternoon, and then forced to clean up the house the rest of the afternoon, with no time to play. And I start to hate myself telling them "no" to everything they want to do because it will make a mess. Little boys should sometimes be allowed to do things that make a mess! And some messes they really can't clean up. Yesterday they brought home "oobleck" from school (the cornstarch/water concoction that's sort of a solid, sort of a liquid). It was great fun for them to play with, but also incredibly messy, and while they *tried* to clean it up, there are streaks of corn starch pretty much everwhere. Normally this would be an easy mess for me to clean up, but as it is, it is VERY hard. I just hate it when my disability infringes on the normal fun things kids should be allowed to do.
I'm just tired of everything being so hard, you know? I would love to have just one more day being normal. Just a break every now and then. Just one day when I'm not reminded with every step I take of this horrid disease. I want to think about other things. I want to be able to look forward to things without having to wonder if I'll be able to do them or not.
We've been reading in Alma 39-42, the Corianton chapters in which Alma talks about the resurrection. Wow, do I ever look forward to having my body restored to its perfect condition. Do I really have to endure 50 (if I'm lucky) more years of this? I guess I'll just get used to it after a while.
So I'm allowing myself to feel bad tonight, and then tomorrow will be a new day! I'll find only things to be happy about tomorrow!
Sorry this is so long. I should probably cut about 75% of what I wrote out, but I'm just too tired. My life is 90% really, really good. But sometimes the pesky 10% just gets me down.

Here are some pictures from the Luau tonight.




Pretty, huh?



Joseph and Brigham, soaking wet.




Brigham showing me how he would hula hoop and juggle at the same time!




Mmm, orange creamsicles...




Caught Joseph in a pensive mood.




Joseph's new Webkinz, "Cripto."




Mosey enjoying a Fanta a couple minutes before he got stung by a bee (bees love orange Fanta, be warned!)




Ben and Mosey hanging out on the dock.