Nervous

I'm off to Houston in the morning.
At 1:00 I have a neurology appointment, then at 7:30 PM my MRI.
I'm most nervous for my neurology appointment, mostly because I will not have any results from my MRI for at least a few days.
I will be having the full EDSS scoring tomorrow, which involves a physical exam (testing reflexes and a bunch of other things), plus the walking tests (a speed test and length test), some mental tests (math games), and manual dexterity (peg tests). The walking test is what I'm most nervous about, because I'll know immediately how I did compared to last June. I had my last EDSS scoring in June, just before the bone marrow transplant. I walked I think 150 meters then. I have to walk with NO assistance, without stopping or getting my balance on the wall or anything. I haven't really tested myself here at home, because there's not a good, unencumbered pathway to walk, so I really don't know how I'll do. If I do worse than 150 meters, I'll be very bummed.
I don't think I've deteriorated since I've come back from the transplant. But I also don't feel like I ever recovered quite back to where I was before the transplant. So I'm not really sure where that leaves me.
My spasticity has really been bothering me; it's my biggest physical complaint at this point. I will ask my neurologist tomorrow about getting a Baclofen pump. Right now I take Baclofen (my antispasticity med) 3 times a day. I'm almost at the maximum dosage. I could take it a 4th time, and that is the maximum allowed. But the pump would deliver a continuous dosage right to my spinal cord, so would allow for a more even dosing, and would require less of it for the same effect. It would involve surgery to implant the pump, but after that I think it is very easy to take care of.
Anyway, I worry that my spasticity is getting worse. If it has, it is subtle, but I do worry it has gotten worse.
I so hope that this transplant works for me. I really want to be a success story, not just for me, but to give hope to other MS patients. Like I said, I don't think there's been any progression since the transplant, which is great, but the negative part of me says maybe that's just because for 2 or 3 months of the 6, I didn't have an immune system at all! So if the MS has come back, it would really have only had 2 or 3 months to start doing anything.
Ugh. You can see how this can make me crazy.
Last Friday I went upstairs to watch a movie with the boys, and ended up falling asleep up there. The upstairs is carpeted. When I woke up to use the bathroom, I totally could not walk on the carpet at all. It was dark and I couldn't see well, and the bed isn't near a wall, so I was trying to walk with nothing to balance with. I tried a couple of times, but was just too unsteady. So I had to get down on the floor and crawl (I didn't have my cane or crutches up there). That was a really bad feeling. But then again, I rarely ever try to walk on carpet, so I can't tell if this is significantly worse than before, or not. Anyway, I had a hard time falling back asleep because I got really worried and scared.
So I am feeling pretty scared. On the one hand, my sister reminded me that I have NEVER had good news at any neurology appointment, ever (except for the one where they told me I was bad enough off that I qualified for the clinical study, which is sort of a mixed bag). So I could just be feeling really scared because I have only negative associations with these kinds of evaluations. That may be. But on the other hand I worry that my fear and anxiety is my subconsciousness trying to prepare me for bad news.
In any case, it is what it is. Worrying won't change anything. If my MS returns, so be it. There are worse things in the world. But still, it will really, really stink.
I'm so grateful to have had the chance to be a part of this clinical study. But the worrying and wondering and waiting for the other shoe to drop is pretty obnoxious, I have to say.