Today was a very frustrating day.
I woke up and the house was a mess. The normal pick-up last night didn't happen because I went to bed early and when the cat's away, the mice will play.
A certain boy refused to do nearly everything I asked him to do. "Or else what?" was the common response, to which I have no good reply. "Or else I will beat your bum!" is not a good reply, I had to keep telling myself.
The conflicts were very exhausting. They involved refusing to sit at the table for scripture study (rule is you sit at the table even if you don't want to eat), refusing to do his morning chore, refusing to do piano practicing, refusing to do his math, refusing to do his laundry (Monday is his laundry day), running away after refusing to finish his spelling, and generally being a pill.
These are the days when I am filled with self-doubt and self-recriminations. What did I do to elicit each of these refusals? I know I'm not giving him enough positive attention on days like today, but how do I do it when literally every interaction I have with him involves him resisting me in some fashion? I must not be giving him enough positive attention during other times. What kind of cold mother am I? How can I turn this around? How can I help him?
I know what it's like to have a knee-jerk, instinctively oppositional response to certain things. Even when you want to comply, it's like there's something stopping you from doing so. It's terrible. I want to help him, but I don't know what to do. I worry that there is something about me that is triggering this response in him. What is it?
Then I start thinking about what kind of a mother I've been thus far, and think back on what I might have done earlier to avoid the problems we're having now. One of our very, very biggest problems (probably the biggest problem) with him is something that I actually most certainly could have prevented about 7 years ago if I had only known what evil fruits would be borne from my innocent (lazy, but innocent) decision then. And now he has to pay the consequences. He bears a lot of responsibility, but none of it would have happened if I had done one thing differently.
I wish I would have been more diligent in encouraging more physical affection with him. He is my prickly boy and resists any obvious show of physical affection. You have to be really sneaky with him (I was able to hold his hand a little bit during church yesterday). But I see him some days and I just know he needs comfort and love from his mother. I know it's what he needs, but he won't let me give it. When he was little, he wasn't nearly this resistant to hugs and kisses and head-ruffles and whatnot. At some point he started to pull away, and I should have noticed and picked up on it then. I probably could have done something about it then, but now I'm worried it's too late. I need to be more creative in finding ways to show him physical affection that he won't resist, but I'm kind of coming up empty.
Is this homeschooling working with him? That's a recurring question. I had such high hopes of having a wonderful home school in which my kids would love learning and would joyfully complete their assignments because they were all so relevant and interesting and I was tapping in so perfectly to their innate curiosity and zeal for life. Ha. We do have moments of this, but there are lots of other moments when I feel like a complete failure. But for several reasons, not the least of which is his own very vocal opposition to it, I don't feel like sending him back to public school is the answer. Not at all.
Maybe I should go back to the drawing board and come up with a completely different way of schooling my boys. So I sent away from some catalogs from other companies, and maybe I'll be inspired, but I'm not hopeful. Maybe my expectations were unreasonable from the get-go. Is there any way to channel a child's zeal for life into enthusiasm for finding least common denominators and memorizing dictation passages?
I'm guessing tomorrow will be a better day, that's the usual pattern for this child. My goal for tomorrow is to lavish him with as much love as I possibly can.
Some days being a mother is like staring into a giant mirror that shows nothing but my own faults. I start feeling pretty ugly.
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4 comments:
I'm so sorry...glad to hear I'm not the only one wracked with self doubt.
Counter to popular belief...consequences don't have to be immediate, and you don't have to have one immediately. Sometimes the NOT knowing is better...then they can't weight their options.
If he says that again...just calmly reply...I don't know yet...maybe, I'll talk to dad about it tonight. I'm sure we can come up with something spectacular...but, for every hour you choose not to obey...the consequence will get worse.
The anxiety of the unknown...really plays with their head. *grin* I can't WAIT to have teenagers!
Sorry to be so profuse in my advice. I'm so ridiculously far from being the perfect mother myself...but, I have an advice disease. So feel free to ignore this...here's some advice from my days working with teenagers.
I was trained in the Family Teaching Model...I loved it! Still do...it was like parenting boot camp!
Try not to make it into a power struggle. Accept, that there IS no struggle...you have the power. You do!
If you get upset...they win. When I was working with teenagers (not that you're quite there yet, but definitely on the cusp) we described this kind of situation as having a kid "out of instructional control", or OIC. They might not be throwing a fit (though, they might be), but it strictly refers to the fact that they aren't following instructions.
1. Don't engage!...kids will try to change the subject and needle you to get upset. They want you as upset as they feel. They want to engage you in a dialogue. You tell them you will discuss that with them after they have started following instructions again and accepted their consequence for not following instructions. That's ALL you say.
2. Let them do whatever they want, don't make an issue out of it...pretty much ignore them...ask every 10 minutes or so if they are ready to follow instructions, and accept if they aren't. Just remind them that for every (whatever length of time) they choose not to follow instructions, their consequence will get worse...but that it's their choice...that way you are making it their decision how long it lasts, and how severe the consequence is. You are then free of guilt. :) (again, you don't have to have a specific consequence to threaten them with)
3. Only accept them following instructions when they...do it with a calm face and voice...any huffing, and eye-rolling you can respond to with..."You're obviously not ready yet, you can try again in 5 minutes." (if they break down, and sometimes they do...ignore it...they are obviously still upset...and really weren't ready)
4. When they are really ready, you insist on an apology, and ask them if they are ready to accept the consequence for not following instructions.
If they can do all that with a calm face and voice...then you give them LOTS of positive reenforcement for their choices.
They have a lot to be proud of, it's hard to listen sometimes! This is also the time when you can ask them what was bothering them and figure out how to avoid these situations in the future...it gives them the feeling of having some control over their lives. This is also the time for lovies...hugs, talks, and I love you's.
Come up with a consequence later that fits the situation.
I've had these last anywhere from 10 minutes, and up to several hours...I read all the Lord of the Rings books during OIC interactions at work...but, it always works.
This is such a brief tutorial on the FTM...but, there's more information online. It's a GREAT program...I am thankful almost daily that I had that kind of training before becoming a parent.
Or...if your kids are like my Judy...
Force food down them...their blood sugar is low...and they magically turn in to sweet little angels after 2 bites.
Sometimes when people say "I know how you feel," they really do NOT. But in this case I REALLY do know just how you feel! And I am so sorry. There is no pain quite so exquisite as the pain of guilt a mother feels for a worrisome child. But, Gabrielle, let me tell you what I know to be true (even if I don't always act like I know this :)): CHILDREN ARE LESS FRAGILE THAN YOU THINK!
This is good news and bad news. The good news is that it really takes enormous mal-treatment to mess up a kid permanently, especially from well-meaning parents. So stop beating yourself up :)
The bad news is that it is harder than we think to change a child's innate tendencies. In fact, I hate to break it to you, but I don't think parents really change much about children's basic natures. I think they have to do that themselves when they get older and they decide they want to. And then they may blame you for all the issues they have -- but they'll be wrong :)
This does NOT mean that we give up our parenting! We can do a LOT in training our kids to have good habits and to have a valuable set of skills or tools to use for the rest of their lives. And they certainly need our attention and love and devotion. They need to know we will never give up on them. But they also need to know that they have responsibility for their own lives - we are the coaches and cheerleaders, but they are on the field, playing the game.
Do not be afraid of your child - kids can smell fear a mile away and will exploit that. They also smell maternal guilt and will exploit that too, if you are not careful. And that might be the very worst thing you can do to this child -- make him feel like his behavior is not his fault and his entire responsibility. Don't give him any excuse to wiggle out of taking ownership for his own weaknesses.
YOU ARE AN EXTRAORDINARY MOTHER! Look in the mirror (or not, depending on the time of day) and repeat that to yourself 10 times a day!!
I love you! I am so proud of the way you have faced your own issues and have done the hard work to change. It took you time to do that -- and it will take this precious boy time to become the remarkable human being he will certainly someday be. So be patient, keep a sense of humor (something I was so lacking!!), be firm and confident in your position as the BOSS, and love him. It's all going to work out, I promise you. (As I tell myself this same thing...)
Abbie,
That is really very good advice. I'm an advice junkie, too. I can't help giving it, and I don't mind getting it!
I like the method you outlined. The tricky part will be for Ben and I to figure out consequences for this boy. He doesn't have a lot of "currency," if you know what I mean. I will email you to see if you have any further advice.
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