One of the things I really hate about MS is that I miss all the good pictures I could take. There are a couple of other mommy-bloggers that I follow who post the most wonderful photographs of their lives, and I get so jealous. I want to take pictures like those. I want to make have those memories (and for me, pictures are essential for preserving memories). I can SEE how to get the good shot, I just can't GET there, and it is so maddening.
On the night of the 4th, we spread out a sheet on a strip of grass on a slope just below where the orchestra was playing. It was a good spot, but I couldn't get around on my wheelchair at all because there were hundreds of people all around. Finally I sat down on the sheet, and then I really was stuck. Any pictures I took had to be taken from right where I was. So, no good pictures. Just super boring face shots. Ugh.
I mean, it's not like I'm going to lack in photographic evidence of my kids' childhoods, I know that. But I really love photography, and I love getting the perfect angle, the shot that really tells the story. And 90% of the time I can't do it. I love the idea of taking a photo a day, but since I'm confined to the SAME height, and the SAME stupid route around my house in my wheelchair, my options for photographs are very limited. Good photography is all about finding the right angle, the right vantage point, the right light. And doing that requires you to be able to MOVE.
My boys do awesome things outside that I can't get to. Today they went down to the boulder park which I am sure is the very most beautiful it ever could be with all the water we've had. I can imagine the pictures I could take there! Not to mention actually getting to be with my children out there in nature instead of waiting for them in my car.
I've adjusted pretty well to my limitations with MS. I can still do a lot of what I could do before, even if it is differently. And I hate even to complain because I know how very much more I could be limited. And maybe I will be someday, and thinking back on these days as the "good old days."
But there are some things I haven't adjusted to. I'll tell you want I miss the most. I miss running. I miss it so much. I look at everyone around me who *can* run, and I can't understand why they don't! :-) I miss the quiet of the night, the time alone to think. I miss experiencing the different kinds of weather. I miss all the things there are to see and smell (it's interesting how scents are so much more noticeable at night when visual input is reduced) on a 6 mile loop through the neighborhood or on trails. I miss pushing my body to go faster. I miss the feeling of exhilaration when you really hit your stride. I miss sweating! I can't ever get hot enough to sweat, because if I do I'll be collapsed on the floor unable to see or move. I miss running a lot.
(On a side note: I had a dream the other night about running-- it was a variation on a theme I have in lots of dreams-- I suddenly realize I *can* walk, and I wonder why I thought it was so hard before. But in this dream, I realized that even if I couldn't walk, I could run! I wondered whether I'd be allowed to run for my walking test in Houston instead of walk. :-))
And the other thing I really miss is photography. Taking the kind of pictures that are really satisfying to me is physically exhausting, and often simply physically impossible.
So, that's my pity party for tonight. I should just stop looking at those other blogs that make me so sad. But I probably won't, because I love beautiful photography.
Anyway, here are my pathetic attempts at pictures of my boys on the 4th of July:
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