Through My Eyes: August 2010

Monday, August 30, 2010

More catch-up

This last week was busy. I didn't accomplish *quite* as much as I wanted, but the most important stuff got done.
We went to Target and bought school supplies when everything was dirt cheap.
I figured out the boys' school schedule. This was harder than it sounds. First I had to figure out exactly *what* each boy is supposed to be studying this year, and for how long, and for how many times a week. I've been working on this during the past couple of weeks. Then I had to fit everything together like a jigsaw puzzle, trying to figure out when each boy should do each lesson so I could be there to supervise whomever needed to be supervised while the other boys were working independently. It seriously took me most of the day to figure it all out and make my handy-dandy poster with removable lesson cards in case I need to switch things around.

I am sure we will have to move things around or maybe even go to an "A-day" "B-day" sort of schedule, but this is a good starting point anyway. As long as everyone can stay motivated and cooperative. :-)

That leads me to the next thing I accomplished this last week. I've been thinking and thinking about how we can make things go more smoothly this year. Mostly, how I can get through the day without having to yell at somebody.
I know that the best motivation is positive motivation. Positive reinforcement of good behavior is far more powerful than punishment for bad behavior. But it is tricky to do this. It hasn't been enough to simply deliver praise for good behavior (at least, not for a couple of the boys). I've read about point systems where the child is awarded points for good behavior which can then be later redeemed for things like an extra 1/2 hour before bed, or an extra 1/2 hour of computer time. This sounds great, except for the difficulty in actually keeping track of points for 3 boys. I'm not always home, I don't always have a notebook on hand to record points. We tried this for a short time a year ago or so, and it just didn't work because I'd tell the boys they earned a point, and then forget to write it down. It just didn't work. I needed something immediate and always at hand to keep track of the points.
So, I invented my point bracelet! I have 20 beads on it, and I got these teeny little alligator clamps at an electrical supply store. Now I just move the clips over every time the boys earn a point. I've been using it the past couple of days, and it works great. Maybe, just maybe this system will work this time. :-)
I was absurdly happy when I thought of the alligator clamp thing and then actually found ones small enough to work. Ben thought I was weird, but he doesn't know how many months I've been trying to figure out how to do something like this.

From Through My Eyes

I also spent a lot of money buying books. Homeschooling isn't cheap (at least, not when you're lazy like me and don't want to spend the time to find used books). I'm trying a new math curriculum for Joseph and Mosey. I'm praying (literally) that it will help Joseph turn around his attitude with math. If anything has the chance to do so, I think it is this program (Math-U-See). I spent almost $300 buying the books and supplies I need for him and Mosey (most of it is stuff we'll use for several years, so the cost won't be that much from here on out). So, yeah, I'm *really* hoping it works.
I'm stumped as to how to help Joseph with math. He is pretty good at it, when he feels like applying himself. He is just so incredibly resistant. He says he hates math. It is boring. He will whine and complain and delay a simple 30-minute assignment sometimes for hours. I like math, and I know how to help him. I can help him learn to do things faster and figure them out intuitively. But he will NOT let me help him. It is the most frustrating thing in the entire world. OK, maybe not the entire world, but it really feels like it sometimes. I just feel like beating my head against a wall. He hates math, but he won't let me help him figure out how to do it faster and easier. I can't understand it. But if a kid doesn't want to be helped, there's really nothing I can do. So I really hope this works.
Saturday we celebrated my birthday since Tuesday is a school day and I have a presidency meeting that night. We totally splurged and bought another computer. Brigham and Joseph love to compose music (as does Ben), and we got a MIDI cable and software for Joseph's and Brigham's birthday. But in order to use it, we had to connect and disconnect Ben's laptop and his screen is really too small to use the software very effectively. So we got another computer. It was actually pretty cheap. It's amazing how inexpensive computers and flat-screen monitors have gotten over the years. So now we have a really nice set-up with our synthesizer and computer and speakers set up on a small table by the fireplace. I think the boys will use it a lot. I know Ben will.
We had pizza and leftover cake for dinner. I'm hoping for my actual birthday that my boys will give me their full cooperation. But I'm not holding my breath... :-)

From Through My Eyes

I also found a violin teacher for Brigham and Mosey. Their first lesson will be either this Thursday or next. I hope he's good. He teaches out of his home, not too far away. He teaches the Suzuki method, which I did not learn, but it sounded good the way he described it. He's a young-ish guy, around 27 or 28 I think. He is a grad-student at UT and teaches violin during his spare time. His resume is pretty impressive, and I thought it was such a novelty to have a young man teaching violin, that I'm anxious to give him a try. I am always on the look out for good male role-models for my boys, and I think they will respond well to a male music teacher. I hope, anyway!
I know I did other stuff last week, too, but it's all fuzzy now. And I'm tired of writing, so there you go!

Saturday, August 28, 2010

birthday report

So, last Sunday was Brigham's and Joseph's birthday. They woke up and got to eat their special birthday cereal. Brigham got Cookie Crunch and Joseph got Pocketini-- some German-made cereal filled with hazelnut chocolate (think Nutella). I love this birthday tradition. A special birthday breakfast that takes pretty much zero preparation. And it was a good thing, too, since I had been up until very, very, very late (actually, not so very early!) making their cakes and birthday banners and cleaning the house.

Then we went to church where I think they got the obligatory primary birthday song sung to them, and then home! They had requested meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and corn-on-the-cob.
After dinner they opened presents. Both boys got a watch (this is Joseph's 3rd in about 9 months-- he's very careful with them, it's just that the "water resistant to 50m" thing is a big joke) and a computer game (Civilization IV to replace the last one they got which got scratched up, and Civilization Colonize). Then Joseph got a kick ball and Brigham got 3 boards from Lowes with Ben's promise to custom-cut them into roof-beams for his block collection. Both boys got some learning Spanish CD's and the last thing was a MIDI cable and software for the keyboard. The boys both love to compose stuff on the piano, and we want them to be able to record their songs and generate sheet music and edit them, etc. A MIDI cable connects the keyboard to a computer and with the right software, you can do a lot of cool stuff.
Then it was cake time! Joseph requested white chocolate raspberry cheesecake (like the one at Cheesecake Factory) and Brigham requested an ice cream layer cake with cookies and cream and cookie dough ice cream. They were a lot of work, especially the cheesecake, but boy were they good. The cheesecake has an entire bag of white chocolate chips melted with half-and-half and mixed in with the cream cheese filling. I have no desire whatever to know the caloric value of that cake. :-)

Finally the big day was over and it was time for bed. The final present was NO LESSONS the following week. This wasn't really because of my generosity, however, just my disorganization! LOL
Happy Birthday, big boys!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

It's worth it

I had a better day today. Joseph had a better day today. In fact, he was wonderful. And then I came upon this picture I took of my sister with her baby, and it put me in tears. THIS is what motherhood is all about. There is nothing else that can put that expression on a woman's face. Nothing. This is what makes it all worth it.

On a happier note

This is my gorgeous new niece, Rosalia (I think to be known as Rosie), at 6 weeks old. I haven't finished editing the pictures I took when I saw her in San Francisco, but here are a few I love so far.

Look at that turned up nose, it kills me with its cuteness!

Motherhood isn't for sissies

The first day of school for our district was yesterday. I intended to have the boys start lessons today as well, but haven't had time to finish getting everything ready.
The big boys will be in 4th grade. 4th grade, to me, is a big jump from 3rd grade. I feel like this year we really have to take lessons seriously (not that we weren't before, but I feel like more is at stake now), and I want to start off on the right foot.
We had a big "family meeting" on Monday night. The boys and I drove down to Ben's office and brought dinner which we ate at the table in his office. I printed out an agenda for everyone with all of our items of business and we eventually moved to a conference room in his building where there was a whiteboard and dry-erase markers. I was trying to make it formal and serious so the boys would take it seriously.
I think all-in-all it went all right. We talked about our theme for the year, which is Discipline, Cooperation, and Excellence. We talked a lot about how we need to work together as a team in everything we do. In lessons, in taking care of our house and yard, and in taking care of each other. I don't want to boss them around, and they don't want to be bossed around. The best way to eventually get to a place where they never have to be bossed around, is to get as smart as they can and work as hard as they can. But it takes a while to get there. Ben and I want to be coaches, not bosses. I really, really want the boys to start seeing me not as a task-master but as a coach. I hope we can achieve this.
Joseph didn't have a great attitude during the meeting, but I know he was listening.
My main goal for the year is not to yell at the boys. So I am making a pretty comprehensive list of behaviors and corresponding privileges and consequences. I don't want to make threats anymore, I just want to count them, give warnings, and then tell them what the consequence will be. I really hope it works!
I have a lot to learn about being an effective teacher and mother. I worry so much that I'm not doing it right, that I'm messing everything up. There is such a fine balance between being challenging and being heavy-handed, and that balance is different for each child. Sometimes the balance shifts with the child's mood, with the amount of sleep he got, with other unpredictable changes in the wind. And I have to figure it all out as I go along. Something that works beautifully one day won't work the next.
Joseph, especially, has a very strong sense of self, and needs to feel autonomous. He has a big need to "save face," which I totally understand since I was exactly the same way as a child. It's so hard as a mother, though, to know when a muttered comment under his breath needs to simply be ignored-- his harmless attempt at saving face while he is actually complying, or when that muttered comment is a sign of defiance that, if not curbed now, will eventually grow into disrespect for me and all authority figures. Aahh, it's so hard! If I come down on him on every little thing, he and I will both go crazy. But if I let important things go, he'll never learn respect and how to cooperate.
It's not just Joseph, all of the boys have this tendency to one degree or another. It's human nature. But it is so hard to figure out.
Sometimes I look at other people's children and I wonder if I'm just doing things completely wrong. Other children seem so cheerful and compliant, and then I feel like a louse when I think about my son who, this afternoon, ran into the garage and slammed the door as hard as he could, yelling "I HATE YOU!!" because I told him to come inside and close the garage door which he had left open. He had closed it, but not hard enough, and it swung open again. (And it was about 147 degrees outside today and our garage turns into an oven so the door really does need to stay closed.) I asked him to go re-close it, and he said, "I already did," and went outside in the backyard, ignoring me. Should I have let it go and just got one of the other boys to close it, or just wheeled myself over and closed it myself? I don't know. But I called him back inside and told him he can't ignore me when I have asked him to do something, and he needed to come back in and close it again. He freaked out saying he already closed it and Mosey must have opened it again, and blah blah blah, and then finally he ran into the garage, slammed the door behind him as hard as he possibly could (it did close solidly that time), and yelled those three cutting words. It is the first time he has done that, the first time any of the boys have yelled that at me in anger, and boy did it hurt. And then left me with another dilemma. Do I punish him for that? That is clearly a very disrespectful thing to say, but if I called him on it right then, I'm afraid the situation would have escalated even further. I decided to ignore it, and then later on we'll have to talk about consequences if it happens again... He came back inside after a while and seemed fine. Was he fine? I don't know.
There is so much I don't know, and have no way of knowing about this whole motherhood thing. I know kids come with their own personalities and they are not lumps of clay to be molded exactly as I see fit. But still, parents have a good deal of influence and responsibility over the behavior and training of their children, and I feel that responsibility keenly. When my kids struggle, I wonder if it is because of a failing on my part, or are these struggles simply a result of the personalities they are born with?
There are no answers.
I also need to realize that as a mom, I rarely acknowledge the things I am doing right. I only focus on the things I am doing wrong. When my kids act right (which is most of the time), I don't give myself credit. But when they misbehave, I blame myself. So maybe I shouldn't get too down on myself. But the problem isn't really even that I'm down on myself. It just hurts a lot to see my child struggling and feel at a loss as to how to help them. And worse, to wonder if I'm responsible.

Anyway, that's enough belly-aching for one night. That "I hate you" really, really hurt, though. I love this kid so much, I can't describe it. I would do anything for him. I would give my life for him. I like him, I think he is wonderful, I love him more that I could ever have imagined loving a child. How can he hate me? I know he doesn't really hate me, but it is pretty crappy that he thinks he does, even if only for a few minutes.
Being a mom is really hard.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Happy Birthday Brigham and Joseph!

Aaahh!! Nine years old. I've been dreading this birthday. Why? Because they are now half way to 18 and when they'll leave the nest... It's all down hill from here, and I know the next 9 years will slip by faster than the first.
I do love these guys. They give me endless entertainment, frustration, fascination, love, and just plain weirdness! I'm lucky that they put up with me.
This is their last year of the single-digits. They are moving into a phase of childhood which I remember well. I certainly can no longer take comfort in my mothering foibles by thinking that they won't remember my failings... On the other hand, it is so awesome to know that we are creating shared memories every day. Things that we can look back on in the future and laugh and cry and reminisce about.
I am really, really enjoying this age. I think that about nearly every age, I think, so I don't think I have anything to fear in the future. They are smart and funny and have their own very distinct personalities and interests and talents and opinions.
Thanks for being my boys!!
Here is the last year in pictures.

AUGUST 2009