relief

My 3 year transplant followup is coming up in July.  It will be the usual gamut of blood tests, MRIs, reflex tests, memory tests, eyesight tests, and the dreaded walking test.  July may not seem so close to some, but for me it is around the corner. 
Every time I get past a followup appointment, I breathe a huge sigh of relief.  Then 2-3 months before the next evaluation, the anxiety starts to build again.  I really have no control over whether or not the transplant will be a lasting cure, and ultimately the MRI scans will have the final say as to whether or not I am blessed with another year of reprieve.  And I really don't have any control over the blood tests, eye tests, reflex tests, or the MRI.  But, the walking test still feels like something I can practice for, study up on, and perhaps increase my chances for another year of remission.  I know it doesn't work that way, but it does feel that way.
So, anyway, maybe because I am lazy, or maybe because I like to forget about MS and doctors' appointments and MRIs and everything, as soon as I finish one evaluation, I try to forget about it and ignore everything else until the next evaluation starts looming on the horizon.
The good thing about this strategy is that I can live in blissful, lazy ignorance most of the time.  The bad thing about it is that when the next evaluation inevitably comes around, I start getting really nervous, second-guessing whether or not I am weaker than I was last year, more spastic, less balanced, etc., etc.  I know I should start practicing for the walking test, but I put it off day after day because I'm afraid that when I try, I'll find that I'm a lot weaker than I was, and can't pull off the same distance I did the year before.
Anyway, I bit the bullet tonight and decided I better face the music and see where I am. 
Guess what?  I made 100 meters!  Yahoo!!  It wasn't pretty, but it felt about the same as last year. 
So, I can continue practicing, and maybe I'll make it farther than 100 meters.  But at least my baseline hasn't changed.
Big sigh of relief here in Austin.  :-)