Sweet Mosey

Just going through my old pictures and doing some photoshop magic. I love these.

Assorted Pictures

Here's my handsome husband. He is sneaky and manages not to be in too many of my photographs. But he needed a headshot for work, so he agreed to pose for me this morning.
Good looking, no?




Mosey and Brigham playing on the swing today at Rose's house.




My sweet Mosey, two months old.




Here he is about 2 weeks old. He spent a lot of his infanthood in this exact position. He was such an easy-going baby, and loved the swing. He did NOT like napping in his crib, but he'd drop right off in the swing. Oooh, I miss having a little baby!

Last night in the nursery

I don't think it was technically the *last night,* but it was one of the last nights the boys' spent in their crib before I moved them into their "big boy bed" in the fall of 2003. I wanted them in their regular bed well before Moses was born in January. They were just over 2 years old in this picture.
Joseph and Brigham shared a crib from birth, and got to the point where they would not be able to fall asleep without the other one there. When they got a little older, they would make some trouble. As you can see here, they routinely stripped their crib of all sheets, blankets, and pillows, and unceremoniously dumped them on the floor before finally falling asleep.
I've heard other moms of multiples saying how they have to separate their multiples because one will wake another up, but that wasn't the case with my boys. Well, for their first 18 months or so, they had no choice since their room in our tiny little duplex wouldn't have fit two cribs, plus we were too poor to buy another crib (this one was given to us), so they got pretty used to each other.
Anyway, I used to love to go in their room and see how they had fallen asleep, usually snuggled up against each other one way or another.

Foot drop

Talked with the UHC contact today and she said she hadn't heard from the committee on Friday. They had emailed her asking for a few more things, which she had sent them, but no word back. She said, "You need to realize that yours is not the only case they're meeting on," which really bugged me. Yes, of course I KNOW I'm not the only case. But she said she'd call me on Friday either way to let me know the status of things, and she didn't, so I don't think it's that unreasonable for me to make one phone call today. Maybe she didn't mean it in a snide way, but it annoyed me. Anyway, the news is that there is no news. She said she'd call me when she heard anything.

I also got a call from MD Anderson from someone in the business office telling me UHC had sent them a notice saying that they are my *secondary* insurance, and would I please let them know who my primary insurance was with. GRRRRRRRRRRRR. UHC is our ONLY insurance, and I've been dealing with UHC claims people since my hospitalization a YEAR ago, and they should KNOW that by now. So I called UHC and the girl on the phone just said, "Oh, ok, I'll make that change right now." Ugh. Someone must have changed that very recently, because when I asked the UHC transplant person about it, she said that there was nothing in her paperwork that indicated UHC was my secondary insurance. How can someone at UHC just change that? It's kind of a big thing! A mistake like that could potentially mean delays and more delays, which would not be a good thing for me! But Annette (the UHC transplant contact) said that she is sure everything is cool with the committee as far as that goes, as it would have been the very first thing they asked her about weeks ago. I hope so.

I think the steroids are not working so well this time. Maybe I'm just impatient, because I know there is some delayed benefit for a while after the steroids are discontinued, but I'm just not seeing that much improvement. It is very disappointing. I have what is called "foot drop" in my right foot. It's significantly worse today than it has been. I don't think you're supposed to see *worsening* if you're still getting benefit from the steroids. Anyway, foot drop is when the muscle that flexes your foot stops working, so every time you lift your foot to walk, it drops toward the ground. Over the years that I've been walking (about 30 now...) I've gotten accustomed to my foot working properly, and when I walk, my leg automatically knows how far to lift itself so that my foot can actually clear the ground, but not so much that I look like I'm marching. But now if I take a step without consciously thinking about it, I'll trip right on my own foot. It is annoying and embarrassing. I still have slight movement with that muscle; if I lift my leg and let my foot drop completely down, I can raise it a tiny bit, but I can't get it even close to 90 degrees to my ankle, so it doesn't help with the walking.

Whine whine, groan groan.

I'm feeling a little sorry for myself tonight. While he was getting his PJ's on tonight, Joseph said, "I wish you didn't have MS, mom." I said, "ME TOO!" and then asked him why he said that. He said, "Because if you didn't have MS you could go ice skating with us and go on bike rides with us and do fun stuff with us." Yeah, there's a stab in the heart. We went to Chuck E Cheese tonight for FHE, and I sat at our table the whole time while Ben went around with the boys playing games with them and stuff. I felt... pretty irrelevant I guess. Sometimes this MS thing really stinks.

On the positive side, the sun broke through late this afternoon after two days of clouds and rain, and I think tomorrow is supposed to be a nice sunny day. And I did get two loads of laundry folded and put away, plus the dishwasher unloaded and reloaded. Small victories.

Spring Forward!

Happy 7th birthday to my niece Elena! She is the first grandchild on my side of the family. I remember learning about her birth, 7 years ago, sitting at my desk when I was working for Pharmanex. I remember how long and difficult Rosalynde's labor was, and how the nurses refused to take care of the baby even for a little while so Rosalynde could get some sleep! I imagine Rosalynde is happy it is 2008 and not 2001.

So the time change took me by surprise. I did find out about it yesterday, just by chance. I'm still a part of the Davie Relief Society email list (from my Florida ward), and the Relief Society president sent out a reminder about the time change. Otherwise I would have had no idea! It was fairly painless, because our church doesn't start till 11:00 anyway, so getting to church at 10:00 (or what felt like 10:00) wasn't too terrible. And this week is Spring Break so we have a week off of school to get adjusted to the change. Not too bad. I do love the extra light in the evening, but the time change means it will be pitch black when I have to get the boys up and ready for school. Yeah, I know, I get no sympathy from any early-morning seminary folk out there, but it has been nice the last few weeks to have the sky turning pink and blue as I get up in the morning.

Here's the report from the week:

No word from UHC yet. I don't know if they met about my case on Friday or not. I'll probably call the UHC contact again tomorrow to find out if they met, and if they didn't, does that mean they won't meet again for another week? I actually haven't been anxious about it (I guess I'm getting used to waiting for things), but I know some of you out there ARE anxious, and I promise to immediately contact everyone when I hear word.

I caught a cold this week. I started feeling really miserable Tuesday night, and Wednesday I felt awful. I thought for sure I was getting a bad flu, my whole body ached, even my skin hurt! But Ben stayed home from work again on Thursday and let me sleep and rest most of the day, and now it's just a normal cold, which I can deal with!

Brigham had his VIP experiment on Friday. I emailed his teacher to try to arrange a time, but never heard back from her, so after getting Mosey from preschool, I just went over to the school to see if I could talk to her in person. Turns out Brigham's class had a substitute, which was why Mrs. Autry didn't write back to me, and Brigham's class was about to go to the library. But the sub said she'd bring the kids back a little early so we could do the presentation before recess. Brigham is fascinated by optical illusions, so we did a little presentation about the eyes. We told briefly about how the eye works, and Brigham handed them little strips of paper with two marks on it so they could "see" (or not see) where their blind spot on each eye is (should that read "so they could see where is their blind spot on each eye?" No hanging preposition, but it sure sounds weird!). Then we passed around a couple of papers with some interesting optical illusions, and I showed them how to make their own "floating finger" optical illusion (hold your hands up a few inches in front of your eyes, your two index fingers pointing toward one another, an inch or so apart. Then look at something just beyond your eyes and observe the "floating finger"). We brought sweet potato muffins (sweet potatoes are rich in beta carotene which is excellent for eye health), and that was it! We found a great website for optical illusion of all sorts. My boys and I were pretty entranced by it, and probably spent over an hour looking at everything. http://www.michaelbach.de/ot/ My favorite one is http://www.michaelbach.de/ot/mot_mib/index.html. It will totally blow your mind!!!

Friday night we tried to look at Saturn with our telescope. I got a really nice reflecting telescope for the boys' birthday. It was like 75% off at Fryes, because it was missing this electronic hand control device. I finally found one on ebay (long story of several months trying to track one down, the company will NOT sell them seperately), and got it working this week. Saturn is at it's brightest/closest point to the earth all year long right now, and it is great time to try to see it through the telescope. But Ben and I are both really lousy astronomists and we could not manage to find the thing in the telescope's sights. I can see it in the sky, but I just don't have the finesse to get the telescope in the right position. There must be some kind of art to it, but I don't know what it is. We had gone to the school parking lot, but both Ben and I couldn't figure it out, so the boys just played in the playground instead. One of these days when the moon is out at a decent hour, we'll look at the moon. Surely I'll be able to find the moon in the telescope! Daddy, I wish you were here, you would have been able to find Saturn for sure.

Saturday was spent picking up the house (me and the boys) and repairing the back fence (Ben and the boys). Mister is an escape artist. Keeping up with his latest escape scheme is a bit like playing whack-a-mole. He has found the weak spots in our back fence, don't ask me how, and has managed to loosen the boards enough to make a gap big enough for him to get out. Grrr. But things are sealed off again, at least for the moment.

Today was a nice day at Church. On the drive up to the church building Brigham asked, "What would happen if Heavenly Father made it easier living on earth?" Wow, talk about a deep question for a six year old! I told him it would be like if he were never required to go to school or study. He would never learn anything, and he wouldn't be able to become what he wanted when he grew up. Good answer?

I was asked last week to give a talk on Easter Sunday. NO pressure there!! The topic is how to make the Atonement personal in our lives. I've been thinking about it a lot and reading various conference talks and stuff. My thesis will be that we can find personal meaning in the Atonement of Christ by consecrating our sorrows to the Lord. As a jumping off point, I'm using Elder Bruce D. Porter's talk about offering up a broken heart and a contrite spirit from the October Conference. I have some good ideas (I think) and I'll probably send a copy of the talk to some of you to look over before I give it. I would like to hear from any of you who wish to share about any experiences or anecdotes from your own lives when the Atonement has had deep personal meaning to you, and how that happened. I haven't given a talk in Sacrament Meeting since 2003, so I'm a little nervous! Actually, what I'm most nervous about is how I'm going to be able to stand at the podium. I really don't think I'll be able to stand there for 20 minutes without my legs giving out. I need to talk to the bishop about that so we can make alternate arrangements. Has anyone ever seen someone give a talk from any other position than standing at the podium??

All right, that was our week! Have a great week coming up everyone!

NY Climate Conference

Here is a great run-down on the Climate Conference in New York last week. I wonder if there will be a publication including synopses of all the presentations? I'd buy that. I wish all the teachers at my boys' school (at least) would read this.

http://www.americanthinker.com/2008/03/ny_climate_conference_journey.html

What happens in the playroom

Gosh, it just makes me so happy to see my boy bitten by the book bug. He finished "Midnight on the Moon" in just a little over an hour this afternoon. He's getting fast!

Brigham working on a viking ship made out of Kapla blocks. He can be found on the floor of the playroom building something or other most afternoons.

Sorry for the messy playroom in the background. What can I say? My boys actually play in there!

6 years ago

Here's one of my favorite pictures from when Brigham and Joseph were babies. I'd take them to the park and swing them both in the same swing. Weren't they cute?
I want to post more pictures, and since my camera is not working, I'll have to dig through some old ones. Plus, putting together Joseph's and Brigham's VIP posters had me going through some old folders and boy, do the memories come rushing back.

No more IV's

Quick update since I'm determined to get to bed really early tonight.

I'm done with the Solumedrol, thank goodness. Just like last time, the IV went bad just before my last dose, so I had to have the nurse come back and place another IV for the last dose. Ugh. I am getting used to it, though. I still find it creepy having this plastic catheter floating around inside my vein. I can't think about it too much or it starts to gross me out.

I'm definitely seeing improvement in my legs. It is gratifying to have positive signs so quickly. My strength is already much, much better. I was able to be up and about in my kitchen making dinner tonight. Ahh, the little things!

The Solumedrol just gives such nasty side effects. I'm resolved to start eating really well again, to try to cleanse my system, not only of the steroids, but from all the junk I've been eating just to "get myself through." Sugar cravings galore! Not a good thing. I went to the store and loaded up on fresh fruits and vegetables and tonight we had a pretty healthy dinner of brocolli and black bean burritos. Then I ruined it by making bread pudding for dessert, but I only had a small piece. I really need to be accountable, I just can't take the emotional upset the steroids gives me, PLUS the self-loathing I develop when I'm undisciplined in my eating. It's funny how our minds play tricks on us. I tell myself, "You're going through all this awful stuff with the steroids, you should just give yourself a break and have that bowl of ice cream," and it makes perfect sense, and so I do, and then afterwards I think, "You're going through all this awful stuff with the steroids, why did you just go make yourself feel WORSE by eating that bowl of ice cream??" There's no good way to logic myself through the steroid madness, so I just need to set clear ground rules for myself, and stick with them no matter what my brain tells me. Including going to bed early, so I really must make this fast.

Last night I was putting together Brigham's VIP poster and really got myself in a really bad mental place. I won't bore you by it, but I ended up literally not sleeping at ALL last night. So Ben stayed home from work today and took care of Mosey while I got some sleep upstairs. But I am still quite behind, and sleep deprivation is the last thing I need.

We went on the Crop Walk on Saturday. It was pretty fun, although the boys got a little tired and whiny by the end. Ben and I just had to laugh because we had been telling them about little children who must walk several miles each day just to carry water for their families. Boy, wouldn't we all have to toughen up really darn quick!

Ben has been teaching Brigham and Joseph to play Civilization and Sim City on the computer, and I guess they are getting pretty adept. It was fun on Saturday to sit at the kitchen table and listen to Ben explain to Brigham how if he raises the taxes in his city too high, everyone will leave and he'll actually end up with less money for his city. Don't you love early indoctrination? :-)

We went to the Colemans' house for dinner last night, and they have a Labradoodle (half lab, half poodle). Mosey was entranced by this dog. She is very intelligent (as you might expect by the mix) and could do all sorts of tricks, including... FETCH!! Mosey was in heaven. I think that is his dearest dream-- to teach Mister to play fetch. Saturday night I was laying in bed with all three boys watching a program on Animal Planet called "It's me or the dog," which is about really, REALLY badly behaved dogs, and a trainer who comes in a tries to rescue the situation. Like Nanny 911, dog style. Anyway, we watched a couple of episodes and I decided to forgive Mister for his bad behavior last week regarding the lunch meat. Really, he is a very, very good dog, all things considered. And maybe it's a good thing to have animals around to be a little buffer zone between my irrational outbursts and my children? That's probably not a very good reason to have pets. Anyway, I'm not mad at him anymore.

Ben talked with the UHC transplant nurse today (while I was sleeping) and she told him her paperwork is all done and submitted to the appropriate committee and that they will probably meet on Friday. She made no promises but said that they might be making a decision then. Whether that decision is to go ahead and approve me, or to send my case to some committee above them or to the employer review, I'm not sure, but at least it will be another step down that path. I'm anxious to get this show on the road, but I'm also getting a little scared, so it's hard to know what to think. I guess I'm ok with just waiting things out for the moment.

Rachel, I hope you have an awesome birthday tomorrow! My twins were 9 days old when I turned 24. Gosh, that seems like a long time ago. But anyway, 24 was one of my very best years ever, and I hope it will be for you, too. I was very, very happy that year. I hope you have sunshine and lots of people who remember your birthday. I'll always remember being 7 years old and really ticked off that the nurses wouldn't let me (or the rest of us kids) go see you and Jacob in mama's hospital room, the day after you were born. So I didn't see you on the day you were born, I think it was 4 days later, actually. But I do remember the weird snow-storm we had that night you were born. We made snowballs and kept them in the freezer for a while. I probably have told you this story lots of times but I like to remember specifics about the births of each one of my siblings, and that's the memory I have of the night of your birth. You were such a beautiful baby. I felt sorry for Jacob because he was so homely compared to you (but I never would have said so at the time). I felt so lucky to have TWIN babies in my family. And I still feel so very lucky to have you and Jacob in our family. I am not sure we would really recognize our family in the absence of the profound effect Jacob has had on all of us. And you are such an important bridge between siblings, not just between the "older kids" and the "younger kids," but I think in temperament also. You bridge some of the more polarizing personalities in our family in a really important way. I miss you so much and I hope someday we can live close to each other. Have you looked into any graduate programs at the University of Texas? :-)

Anyway, happy birthday my dear, beloved sister.

And that's it. Don't you love how "short" my "short" updates are??

Happy Leap Year!!

Look what we found sitting on our back fence a couple Saturday's ago!



Brigham and his "Potato Volcano" with corn lava.




Mosey trying to entertain himself with tape, while cooped up at home with me all day.




The cool Solumedrol delivery system. The medicine is in this sort of balloon type thing inside the container (a little hard to see), and kind of squeezes the medicine out as it deflates. Much more convenient that lugging around an IV pole!!




Yes, our tortoise actually eats! He is so clandestine in his eating, we've never actually seen him do it! We've seen him drinking water, and he's stayed alive for 2 months, so we figured he must be eating, although not much. There's always plenty left over in his food dish that just gets dried out under the heat lamp. But yesterday he ate CARROTS! Tons of them! Right out of our hands!!


Happy Leap Year everyone!!

Warning, long somewhat venting message enclosed. Feel free to skim.

So I called my doctor and got started back on a 5-day course of Solumedrol on Wednesday. Just from home, thank goodness. Today is day 3, and I'm already seeing improvement, so that is good. The nurse put the IV in my hand this time which is a lot easier to handle than in my forearm, for some reason, although a little more painful during the infusion. I'm actually up walking about the house a little, so maybe we can put the wheelchair back in the garage for a while!

Joseph was VIP for his class this week! It has been fun for him. We made a poster with a bunch of pictures of him growing up, and some of his favorite things (pets, vacations, family, etc.). He helped me pick out the pictures and then I stayed way up way too late matting the pictures and laying them out. But it looked nice. He could bring in things all this week, so one day we made mini blueberry muffins (blueberries are his favorite fruit), one day he brought in some of the Harry Potter audio CD's, and today he got to do an experiment in class. I was worried the school had a no-homemade-food policy (like our last school), but I included a list of ingredients, and it was fine. We made one batch with a mix, but even though I followed the instructions exactly for mini muffins, and even took them out of the oven 2 minutes earlier than the minimum time stated on the box, they still burned. Ugh. So I ended up making a batch from scratch with frozen blueberries, and they were soooo much better. I'll never bother using a box for muffins again, these were so much better, and not much harder.

Joseph decided to do "Mayow's Experiment" showing how the air is composed of 20% water. You secure a candle to the bottom of a glass pie dish (just melted it on with some wax), and then fill up the pie dish partway with colored water (easier to see with colored water). Then light the candle, and carefully lower a glass jar or cup over the candle. It will burn for a few seconds until all the oxygen is consumed, and then it will go out. Water is then drawn up into the glass, equal to the volume of oxygen that had been consumed. It is pretty cool, and the kids really enjoyed seeing it. Joseph was able to explain it pretty well, and invited his classmates up 5 at a time to see the experiment closely.

I worry a little that I've embarrassed Joseph. I've gone into his classroom a few times with my cane, and invariably a couple of kids will ask what's wrong. I'm just tell them my legs don't work very well and I use a cane to keep my balance and help me walk. Well today I came in with my cane AND with an IV sticking out of my hand. I could hear little voices saying, "Look at her hand!" and "Oh wow, she has another owie, she broke her hand!" I debated telling the whole class before we started the experiment that I was getting medicine through and IV in my hand to help my legs, just to defuse all the conjecture, but it felt awkward, so we just went on with the experiment. One little girl did ask me what it was, and I told her it was for getting medicine to help with my legs. I figure Joseph is pretty equipped to explain to his friends what is going on. But now I'm second-guessing myself. Poor Joseph; 6 years old is pretty young to have to explain stuff like that to kids that find anything "different" a potential point for mockery. Maybe I'll email his teacher and ask if any of the kids seemed worried about it, and then tell her to feel free to tell the class it was just an IV for getting medicine. Or maybe I'm making much ado about nothing.

Joseph made me laugh a couple days ago. He was playing with his tortoise, talking to it and pretending to be some sort of larger scary animal. He said in this growly, scary voice, "Friendly! I am a CREDITOR, and I'm coming to eat you up!!!" I had to laugh at that word choice!! Sadly appropriate.

Mosey made me laugh, too. A few days ago we were in the backyard, and he had poured some water on the cement patio. As he was watching it evaporate in the sun, he said, "Look, mom, the water is disapparating!" Think we've been listening to a bit too much Harry Potter around here?!

Ben's car started acting up again this week. It had been stalling on him a few weeks ago, so he took it in to get the fuel filter changed, and the transmission fluid replaced, and it seemed good as new. Then it started doing the same thing, and failing to downshift, and some other stuff. So he was thinking maybe the Sonata is reaching it's lifespan (almost 10 years old, 150,000 miles on it), and he started researching a replacement car. He took it in to be diagnosed, and it turned out only to be a faulty sensor that was replaced for $170. Phew!! I think Ben might be secretly a tad bit disappointed, but I'm relieved. That Sonata has given us so little trouble, it has been amazing. What a great car. It definitely looks 10 years old, and like it's survived 3 little kids, but it's been so reliable and cheap to maintain.

Ok, now a confession and then I'll try to end on a positive note. Tuesday, Mosey and I went to Walmart for a short grocery run. Tuesday was a very bad day for my legs. Just getting from the handicapped spot into the entrance of Walmart where the ride-on carts are kept was a colossal effort. It's hard to describe how it feels to try to walk when you feel like your legs weigh 150 lbs each and you can only move them by swinging them from your hips. It is so incredibly difficult and scary just getting across the parking lot road. And then the shopping trip, getting Mosey on and off my lap to get things for me, trying to get the groceries into my car (Walmart is cheap, and you get what you pay for in terms of service), then attempting to get the groceries from the car into the house. Simple tasks you take for granted take on these enormous proportions. The main reason we went was because we were out of lunch meat, which is a staple for Mosey around here, since he asks for a "meat and cheese sandwich" at least once, maybe twice a day. Well, I managed to get the groceries into the house, but then I absolutely could not walk another step, so they stayed on the counter for a while. Long enough for Mister to smell the meat, grab the package, take it outside, rip it open, and eat about half of it. The boys saw him outside with it, and I just freaked out. I really just totally flipped. I HATE IT WHEN MISTER STEALS FOOD FROM THE COUNTER AND TABLE. And he knows it. He'll never do it unless he thinks we're not looking. It makes me so furious, unreasonably so. But this time was the straw that broke the camel's back. It wasn't just the meat or the money (only $3 or something), it was mostly just what the meat represented. All the enormous effort and energy expenditure and a whole morning and entire day's worth of energy totally wasted in about 30 seconds. And it meant I'd have to undertake another colossally difficult excursion to replace it. I was so mad, I dragged myself onto the back patio and just screamed at him. He came over, his tail between his legs, his head down, the picture of shame, but I just screamed and screamed at him and hit him really hard once on the back. Then I realized I was out of control and really being a horrible, scary example to my kids, so I went inside and tried to calm down. It scared me. It was scary to see how much rage could come out, that I didn't even know was there. I tried to stay calm for the rest of the afternoon, but inside I was still seething with frustration. Not just at Mister, but at everything. The house was messy, not overly so, it would normally take me maybe 10 minutes to pick up, but for me at that time, I wouldn't have even been able to pick it up in 10 hours. The boys are so good about helping out, but even having them help is just so difficult. It is so hard to explain to them exactly what they need to do, exactly where things go. It takes so long and makes me and them so frustrated. So I waited until Ben got home and then told him I was at my breaking point. He told me to go lie down and read a book and he'd take care of things, which he did.

Thankfully the next day I started on my Solumedrol, so I should start to feel a lot more in control over the next couple of weeks. It just makes me realize how very much I hope this transplant will work. It is hard to really imagine living the rest of my life with that level of frustration and feelings of loss of control.

And it really cemented in my mind the fact that my standards of house-cleaning are not really dependent on the actual state of the house, but on how much effort I anticipate it taking me to clean it up. Before MS, my standards were way lower, because I knew I could get it picked up and cleaned with reasonable time and effort. Now, even a few things out of place is completely intolerable to me, because I just don't know how I'll ever be able to clean it up myself. Weird, huh?

No news from insurance yet. I called and left a message for the transplant nurse at UHC. I hope she calls back on Monday.

The weather here has been nice. Leaves are coming out on the trees, and I saw some trees starting to blossom. It's been a nice, mild winter. The crickets woke up from their hibernation last week and now we can have the windows open at night with the cool breeze and the sound of crickets. Well, some of the windows, anyway. We're still trying to find the screens to some of them! :-)

There's a lot to be happy about. The boys both got their book reports done this month. Joseph had an incredibly good attitude about the book reports, which have sometimes been a bone of contention between us. He was happy and cooperative and good-humored. He made a flag at school (they're studying flags, and each child made their own flag with personal symbols), and he made a rectangle with 5 stars for him and his four best friends. And Brigham was one of them. :-) He only had one difficult day, which was Tuesday (also my difficult day). I finally told him to go upstairs and lie down for a while, which he did at about 5:00 PM, and didn't wake up again until 6:15 the next morning. I think he was tired! He finally seems to be beating this cough that's been wearing him down for several weeks. And he's been such a pleasant, helpful, kind, happy boy the rest of the week. I think about how worried I was about him a year ago, having such a tough transition moving from Florida, and I'm just so proud of how far he's come. He's doing really well in Tae Kwon Do, he's got his Do Son (spelling I'm sure totally mangled) pattern memorized, and is on his way to getting his senior green belt pretty soon. They've been working on "extreme kicks" in the black-belt club, and it's pretty cute and funny to watch them.

Mosey is loving reading. He's on lesson 56 in our reading book (Teach your Child to read in 100 easy lessons), so if the book starts at pre-K level and ends at second grade level, I figure he's at a 1st grade reading level! He's not too far behind his brothers. His teachers are going to kill me when he finally goes to school in 2009. Sorry for the brag there. I know it's annoying. But I do want to record it for posterity's sake, you know! :-) His grandkids are sure to care, a lot. He also made a huge leap this week with drawing and writing. He hasn't been very interested (well, at all interested) in drawing actual things, and then suddenly this week he's drawing cats and flowers and trees and suns and octopuses and all kinds of stuff! And he wrote his first words, sounded out by himself. We read these little stories on the starfall.com website, and after the story there's sometimes these sheets you can print out that ask you to draw pictures and describe what happened after the story. He read a story about a dog, and on the printed sheet he wrote, "Mo Mo" on the top (writing the S really gets him, so Mo Mo is easier for him than Mosey at this point), and at the bottom he wrote, "wut hapind he jumt!" (What happened is he jumped!). I was so proud of him!

Brigham has been a good boy, sweet and helpful. And very talkative! :-) And he is the VIP for his class next week, so it will be fun to work with him on his picture collage and everything else. He brought home his first clay creation from school. I'm not sure exactly what it is, but he's proud of it. And he brought home a very good drawing of an iguana. He also was picked to be the main character in a little class play they are doing! (The Brave Little Tailor). He told me the girl who is playing the Princess, whom he marries at the end, told him they were going to kiss at the end. And then he was quick to assure me that it was only going to be a fake kiss. We had baked potatoes the other night and he made a potato volcano with corn coming out of the top like lava, and then asked me to take a picture of it so he could remember his creation after eating it up. He had class pictures this week, and asked me to cut his hair the day before, and then on the day of, he planned out his outfit-- his nice grey school pants, a short-sleeved button down blue shirt, a very nice coodinating blue tie, and then his suit coat! Boy, did he look spiffy! I told him maybe his teacher would want him to take off his jacket for the class picture, so all the kids would look uniform, but she let him wear it, and he was so proud of himself, he wore that suit jacket all day, even on the playground. They also got individual shots done, and they'll send home the proofs so you can decide if you want to order any. I'm excited to see them. I think Brigham's eagerness to get all dressed up is so endearing. AND, we found his long-lost Sunday shoes (well, Ben found them while cleaning the house after my nervous breakdown on Tuesday), so Brigham is one happy camper.

They are all three such sweet boys, I couldn't be more blessed. And I'm feeling better and calmer and altogether things are looking up!

Moral Dilemmas

This is a quick one since I'm so tired and have to go to bed. (Well, quick for me anyway).

So Brigham got invited to another birthday party, the third one this year, and also the third one held ON SUNDAY!!! I'm so sad. It would have been really REALLY fun for him, too, because it's being held at the InnerSpace Caverns (really neat caves up in Georgetown). He was so excited to get the invitation, he opened it up, saw it was on Sunday, and his eyes just filled up with tears. My heart about broke for him. I held him on my lap and kissed him and told him Heavenly Father was so happy and proud of him for making big sacrifices for keeping the Sabbath Day holy. Grrr. Why does that have to happen to my sweet little guy?!

And here's another moral dilemma (well, the previous wasn't really a dilemma, at least not for us), this one involving Joseph. The elementary school holds a silent auction each year as their big humongous fund raiser. Each class puts together a big basket of stuff (each class comes up with a theme, or at least, the classroom mom does), and the kids all bring in $5 towards the basket. So I just got an email from the classroom mom, with a picture of the basket she put together. Here's what it says on the outside: "TAKE HOME YOUR OWN MARGARITAVILLE CHILL PILL! Just add ice and wash away your worries with: Tequila, Margarita Mix, Shaker, and Salt, Chips, Queso, and Salsa, Pitcher, Glasses, and Napkins. Mrs. Martinez's first grade class."
Hmm, interesting choice of theme for a FIRST GRADE CLASS, isn't it? So I guess I just bought liquor for the first time in my life. At least, sort of. I suppose this isn't really a moral dilemma either, since I already paid my money. I'm not going to raise a stink about it now. I guess that's what I get for not being involved in the PTA.

Mosey got new shoes. I got so sick of the lace-up tennis shoes he has. He takes them off every chance he gets, so I have to put them back on him again several times a day. And when he takes them off, he doesn't know how to undo the double bows, and so the laces end up in big knots that I have to undo before I can get them on him again. So we got some really cool light-up velcro shoes at Walmart.
This morning he was belly-aching about going to preschool ("I'm not GOING to preschool today, mom!"), which he does every once in a while. We went back and forth about it for a few minutes, and then I finally said, "Hey Mosey, you have to go to preschool because you need to show your teacher and your friends your really cool new light-up shoes!" He immediately said, "Ok!" and ran and got his shoes and asked to get dressed right then. It was about 7:45 and he said, "I think it's time to go to school now." I told him school didn't start till 9:00, but we could leave in about an hour. Then he said, "I am going to go into the kitchen and look at the clock and then I'll tell you when it is 9:00." LOL No, he didn't stand there looking at the clock for the next hour and 15 minutes, but it was pretty cute how eager he was to go to school, just for the chance to show off his new shoes. Should I worry that Mosey is getting a bit too vain and materialistic? LOL

I'm calling my doctor tomorrow for steroids for sure. I've been putting it off because I just don't wanna go down that road again. I'm now in the wheelchair 75% of the day, which is very inconvenient, to say the least (I cut all the boys' hair today, including Ben's, and had stay seated and have them sort of maneuver around in front of me. It was really difficult. Cutting hair should not be a workout. But try doing it without being able to move around the person whose hair you are cutting. My back and shoulders are aching).
But I can tolerate inconvenience, and if it were just the walking, I'd probably hold off longer. What I can't tolerate, though, is not being able to drive, and today it was noticeably awkward and difficult to get my foot back and forth from the gas to the brake. Difficult and not too safe. So I'll be getting back on the Solumedrol band wagon I guess. I made it 2 1/2 months this time, so maybe I'll make it to my transplant on this dose. I'll ask Dr. Tallman to give me another tapering dose of Prednisone as well, since I think that did give me 2-3 extra weeks this last time.
I definitely won't be in the hospital, so don't worry. My legs are giving me lots of nonsense, but my breathing is pretty good, so I still feel like I'm doing a lot better than I was at the end of last November. I'll be getting a Hickman Catheter (central line into my chest) for the transplant and all the stuff before-hand, and I kind of wish I could just have it now! It is quite annoying to have an IV sticking out of your arm for 5 days while you're trying to go about your normal daily routine with kids and everything. And last time it clotted up just before my LAST dose, and the home nurse had to come back and start ANOTHER IV just for the last dose. >:-/
Sorry I'm so whiny. Seriously, I do realize how fortunate I am to be able to get treatment when I need it, and I am very grateful.

Ok, off to bed for me.

Obama-nation or Abomination?

Obama-nation or Abomination?

Yeah, I know, I crack myself up. This has probably been "discovered" before, but I just thought of it today and have been chuckling ever since.


In this depressing election cycle, you gotta find laughs where you can, I guess.

Happy Valentine's Day!!

So I had fun making the boys' valentines this year. The only glitch was that my camera decided to go on the fritz after 3 shots of Joseph. I am very bummed about this. I've done everything I can find out about online (I'm getting the dreaded Error 99 code) with no luck, so I think I will have to send it in. Which is a pain because it will be expensive, and I'm wanting to upgrade my camera anyway, and don't really want to put money into this one. But I'm not ready to jump in and buy the upgrade either. What to do??? So I took most of the shots with my point-and-shoot which is not nearly as good. Ugh.
So these first two pictures are what I printed on the front and back of cards to grandparents and cousins.



The boys with their photo-shoot bribes. Brigham had been wearing blue pants to match his brothers, but he really wanted to be dressed in "all red" for Valentine's day, so he changed into his red shorts.




This was the last shot-- finally given permission to dig in!

So for the Valentines to be sent to school, I took pictures of the boys pretending to hold a giant lollipop (I photoshopped in a lollipop so you can see the effect). Then I took an exacto knife and cut slits on the top and bottom of the boys' hands, and slid the stick of a real lollipop between them. I took some pictures (crappy pictures, sorry) of the final product down below.

Front and back of Joseph's card

Front and back of Brigham's card

Front and back of Mosey's card

This is what was printed on the inside. I took a picture of the heart candies to photoshop around the poem.

The final product of Joseph's and Brigham's cards. I forgot to take a picture of Mosey's before he took them to school. They looked like this, though, with the lollipop through his hands. The Kinko's guy had the HARDEST time printing these out. I hope he was new, because it really wasn't that complicated... He gave me about 25 free "mistakes." Next time I'll get these done earlier and have them printed through WHCC. It will save me a bunch of time trimming and stuff, too.

The inside.

The back.

Two boys, very sick with Chocolate fever!


Joseph told me that at school on Thursday his friends told him "Your brother looks scary!" Maybe I overdid the dark circles under Brigham's eyes... He has much fairer skin than Joseph, though, so the dark circles show up a lot more! I kinda think Joseph looks like the scary one in this picture!

Overdue Update

Hi Everyone,
Sorry for the long-overdue update. I'll jump right in I guess.

Last Sunday Mama came out to help me for the week. Ben dropped me off at the airport after church and I rented a car and mama and I drove back. I left for Houston in the rental that evening and stayed in a motel so I could make my 9:00 AM appointment. I met with a bunch of people that day including the hem/oncologist who will be my doctor during the transplant. His name is Dr. Popat and I liked him a lot. He was friendly and explained everything very well and answered all my questions. He did the normal neurological testing again, minus the walking test, and listened to my heart and lungs. I've been told I have a small heart murmur, but he couldn't hear anything at all so he didn't think it would be an issue. I also met with his nurse as well as the nurse assigned specifically to the study patients (just me at the moment), the transplant coordinator, the business/insurance person, and got some blood work done at the lab. It was a busy day with a lot of waiting for appointments. :-)

M.D. Anderson is a pretty amazing place. It is in the middle of this massive medical complex basically right across the street from Rice University. It is like its own little city. There were a ton of patients in on that Monday morning, but things went surprisingly smoothly. When I went down for blood work, the waiting area (a BIG waiting area) was completely full, with people waiting down the hall. But amazingly after I signed in, they called my name within 20 minutes.

The stem cell transplant center is up on the 8th floor, which is also the leukemia floor. It was odd sitting there waiting for my appointment with a bunch of other people also there for pre- and post-transplant appointments. I felt like I didn't really belong there since I don't have cancer. I didn't know how to feel. On the one hand I'm extremely glad I don't have cancer. On the other hand, a great many of those patients will be completely cured of their cancer after their transplants, and can go back to a normal life. I don't know if I'll ever be "cured," or how long I might remain in remission, if I do achieve that. And no matter what, I'm going to be left with some permanent impairment, so that kind of stinks. But mostly it was nice being there moving forward with my best chance at slowing this thing down. And the leukemia floor is not a bad floor to be on. When I first got there and was going up the elevator, a little girl, probably 8 or 9 years old got on the elevator with her grandmother, and pushed the button to the 9th floor which is the spinal and brain cancer floor. She was so cute with her little bald head, and it reminded me forcibly of when Jacob was sick and I felt so jealous of those families whose kids "only" had leukemia. What we wouldn't have given to trade Jacob's cancer for leukemia. She was only one of a few children I saw there that day (patients, anyway), which was good I guess. It's way easier to see adult cancer patients than children.

It was interesting meeting with the business representative. She broke down all the costs for the transplant. It ends up totalling an estimated $204,000. Ouch. Thank goodness for medical insurance!

So anyway, at the end of the day they told me there had been a scheduling glitch and I wasn't scheduled for my heart tests. They told me they'd try to squeeze me in, and they'd call in the morning to let me know. So I went back to the hotel totally beat since I'd had to walk around the hospital quite a bit from appointment to appointment.

In the morning they called me and let me know they scheduled me for the rest of my tests for Friday. Ugh. Too long, obviously, to hang around Houston, so I'd have to go back home and then go back to Houston Thursday night. Oh well, I am just glad I wasn't flying in from out of state!

I drove back to Austin, returned my rental, and rode back home with Ben. Mama of course had everything running like clockwork at home.

Wednesday was nice and relaxing, since Mama pretty much took care of everything! Thursday was Valentines day and the boys had a "Chocolate Fever" day at school, based on the book by the same name. The 1st graders all came to school dressed in PJs and slippers and covered with eye-liner "chocolate fever spots." All day long they had chocolate-themed activities, passed out Valentines, and had a fun day. Mosey and I went to lunch with Ben. Yes, a very romantic Valentine's lunch out with my husband... and four year old. LOL! Actually it was nice, Mosey is a very well-behaved lunch date.

My legs are giving me more and more trouble and Mama got worried about me going to Houston by myself that night, especially since my appointments the next day were on different floors and on opposite ends of the hospital, so we made arrangements for the boys, and drove out to Houston together that night. We have good friends out here who are so willing to step up at a moment's notice.

So we drove back to Houston that night and stayed in a motel for just a few hours before getting up and ready for my 8:00 appointment. We were early which ended up being a good thing, because after my first appointment for the PFT (pulmonary function test), the nurse asked around to see if I could just do my echocardiogram and EKG right then, instead of having to come back at 10:15 and then 1:30. They weren't too busy yet, so I was able to get all 3 tests done right then. After that, all I had to do was more blood work, so by 9:30, I was completely done! Wow! I have never gotten out of doctor's appointments AHEAD of schedule!

I think all my tests went well. It's hard to tell since the technicians pretty much don't tell you anything. The EKG was super-fast, literally only a few seconds, so I assume everything looked good there. I have no idea how to read echocardiograms, but it was pretty interesting to see my heart beating away. The PFT was the most unpleasant test. You have to do all these breathing exercises into this apparatus that measures oxygen input and output. The nurse would tell me to breathe normally, and then tell me to breathe in as hard as I could, and then YELL at me to blow out as hard as I could, and keep trying to exhale for a count of ten. This is hard! She said it would feel like I had blown out all the air, but that I hadn't really. It was physically difficult to keep trying to blow out air once it was all gone, and made me really out of breath. Yeah, I know, wah wah, whine whine. A little violin is playing a sad song just for me. The PFT technician was a little confused as to why I was there. She was filling out my paperwork and asked what my diagnosis was. I told her MS, and she got a confused look on her face and asked why I was here at MD ANderson. I told her I was getting a stem cell transplant here, and so she asked why I was getting the stem cell transplant. I told her for my MS, and she was even more confused. "So you don't have cancer?" No, I don't. I explained briefly that I was in a clinical study, and that MS is an autoimmune disease and how a stem cell transplant can affect autoimmune diseases. I think I'll probably be having that conversation a lot.

SO. All the preliminary testing is done and now everything will be sent to the insurance company for approval. I talked with the transplant nurse from UHC and she looked at my policy and seemed very encouraging that approval would be pretty quick. We shall see.

Mama and I were on the road back to Austin by 10:00 AM, and back in town at 1:00 PM. Very fast trip. Joseph had been sent home from school with a fever (not a chocolate fever, but a real one!), and Ben had to come home from work to pick him up. Poor kid. He perked right up with Tylenol though, and yesterday and today he's been just fine.

Yesterday morning we got up and got ready to go to Dallas. It takes us forever to get ready and out of the house with all the kids and stuff. But we got up to Dallas by around 1:30 and spent the afternoon at the Museum of Nature and Science, which is a nice museum with a good children's section. We saw an IMAX movie and then went out to eat at Carrabas. Mama had to leave before the food came to get ready for her talk at the Eccles study group. Luckly Carrabas has good bread you can pretty much fill up on before your meal ever comes. Ben dropped me off at the Eccles so I could hear mama talk, and then took the boys to our hotel.

Mama's talk was fantastic. She talked about raising a strong family, and used scriptural references to the "house" of the Lord. The Hebrew word for house is the same as the word for family, and it really was fascinating to read all the scriptures about temples and the physical building of temples, substituting the word family for house. She did a great job and we had a good discussion afterward. I guess it was a small crowd (a very COLD and RAINY day in Dallas that day), but I thought it was very respectable. There were probably 10 people there, which is more than I've seen at some of the Miller-Eccles gatherings at our house, and that group has been meeting for years and years and years.

After her talk, mama drove me out to the hotel, which was really far away. Sorry mama! Ben did get an amazingly good deal on the hotel room, though, if that's any consolation (you can find great deals if you're willing to sort of stay anywhere). Probably not much consolation, since mama was staying at the Eccles' house anyway, and, going back, ended up going the wrong direction on the turnpike and drove all the way out to the airport (very far out of town) before realizing her mistake. She didn't get back until after midnight! I feel so bad. Texas is very tricky for a California girl since there are no mountains to which to orient yourself. At night you can easily get yourself turned around 180 degrees without realizing it. And Dallas is weird because you have all these freeways that are not very accurately named. I-35 East actually runs north south, for example. Anyway, she's on her way back here now after speaking at a fireside in Dallas tonight, and I think she is going the right direction now!

So, that is my very long update for the week. I have some cute pictures from Valentine's day, which I shall post above.

The legal purpose of marriage

Marriage isn’t about individual couples. All children are protected by the State, regardless of their birth. If couples split, married or not, any parent can certainly petition the courts for visitation, custody, etc. This applies even to unmarried gay couples! I personally know one woman whose partner was killed in a car accident, leaving her biological daughter (via IVF) without a legal mother. The dead woman’s family attempted to gain custody of the little girl, but my friend was able to successfully petition the courts and was granted full custody and legal guardianship of the child. Which is as it should have been. Marriage protects children only in a general sense. Marriage ties parents together, making a child less likely to be abandoned by one or the other. This is how marriage protects children.

The only reason why government ever got into the business of marriage was in an attempt to lessen the costs to the state of abandoned children. Without some incentives, sadly, the male nature is frequently to move on to greener pastures. The children abandoned by the fathers then were at far greater risk of becoming a financial and societal burden upon the state. It made sense for the government to impart some benefits on couples to encourage them to stay together and co-parent their children, as this would "cost" less than the burden placed on government without such measures.

The state doesn’t grant marriage benefits to male/female couples simply because it likes them, but doesn't like any other type of couple. It has nothing whatsoever to do with the couple at all. It has only to do with lessening the risk to the state by encouraging parents to stay together for the sake of their children.

It makes no sense for government to give benefits to couples who will not have children, as there is no burden to society if such unions should break up. It also doesn't make sense for a government to give benefits encouraging the formation of family units that will not benefit society, but which will ultimately "cost" government more than the cost of the benefits. It's a pretty cold-blooded way to look at marriage, but that is the only reason government ever got involved. Church marriages and vows before God or family, or whatever, have nothing to do with government interest in minimizing the burden to society. Churches can solemnize marriages between whomever they choose. So when looking at a legal change in the definition of marriage, you have to come back to this equation. Will the expansion of marriage benefits ultimately cost the state more or less? And this cost needs to be evaluated both in terms of actual dollars and in terms of the healthy propagation of the sort of society the government wishes to advance.

So let’s examine same sex unions in these terms. First, if there are no children involved, then there is no reason for government to grant marriage benefits. The costs of courts, judges, and lawyers in divorces, not to mention lost revenue in tax benefits, etc., are a burden upon the state, with no compensating benefit to the state. Thus in our cost-benefit equation, clearly there are far more costs than benefits to the state in benefiting childless unions. (Remember that we’re talking about general groups here, not individual couples-- obviously the government shouldn't deny marriage to a couple based on their individual ability or lack thereor to have children). Up until quite recently, the vast majority of gay couples did not have children. Thus no reason for the state to grant marriage benefits to same-sex couples.

Times have changed, and more and more gay couples are now attempting to have children, either through adoption or insemination/IVF. So now the government needs to decide if the benefits of encouraging these families outweighs the costs of expanding marriage benefits. There are a few ways of looking at this issue. First, in terms of actual dollars, second, in terms of societal costs.

There has not been a great deal of sociological research done on children with gay parents. This is one of the biggest reasons why so many people are hesitant to embrace gay marriage. We simply don’t know enough about the consequences of such a societal change, and we know that life has a way of bringing about unintended consequences. But there are a few things we can deduce from existing research.

There is no question that children raised by single mothers are far more likely to cost the state more than children raised by a mother and father. Single mothers are statistically far more likely to be dependent upon the state for welfare, Medicaid, food stamps, etc. And their children are statistically far more likely to commit crimes and end up in prison (huge cost to the state), and perpetuate the cycle of poverty. Clearly it is not in the state’s best interest to encourage single-mother families. This is why it is such a terrible idea to increase welfare benefits every time a woman has another baby. This does nothing but encourage the mother to have more and more children in a situation and environment where they pose a significant risk of costing the State enormously. There are very few single-father families so we don’t have the data to be able to determine if the same patterns exist for single-father families. (My opinion is that the influence mothers and fathers have on children are both equally crucial, but very different. I think there are likely serious consequences to children (on a statistical level) raised without a mother, but they will probably be different than the consequences of not having a father.)

So the question is this. Why are single-mother families so much less likely to succeed by society’s standards? Is it because of poverty? Or is it because of the lack of a father in the household? Well, poverty certainly is a risk factor, but you can tease out the effect of a lack of father in the home by comparing single-mother families with mother-father families in the same socio-economic bracket. And sure enough, you see that single-mother families are at far greater risk than mother-father families. So how does this relate to gay marriage? Are two-mother families at less risk than single-mother families? (Controlling for poverty, of course). If so, then clearly the presence of an additional parental figure in the home, regardless of gender, puts a child in a lower risk category. This would seem to support of the legalization of gay marriage, and it does, except for the fact that this very line of reasoning applies equally well to the legalization of polygamist marriage. You can’t have one without necessitating the other.
It is also possible that children of two-mother families (controlling for poverty) actually have the same risks (in terms of costs to the state) as children of single-mothers. If this is so (again, research is paltry and there is no conclusive evidence one way or the other), this clearly implies that it is the presence of both genders in the home, and the unique way in which they interact with each other and influence their children that stabilizes the family. This certainly would support the position of leaving the definition of marriage as-is. It does not benefit the state to impart financial benefits to unions which will produce children at equal risk of costing the state, as if the union had not been formalized by the state. In this case, the cost of the benefits to legalize such unions outweighs any potential reduction of cost to the state of the children.

So if you decide that it is worth it for the state to benefit and encourage gay marriage, you must also agree that it is encumbent upon the state to encourage and benefit polygamist marriage. One logically extends to the other, and there is no way to legalize one without legalizing the other, because the same reasons why the government would decide to legalize gay marriage (our cost-benefit equation), apply equally as well to polygamist marriages. The same reasoning also applies to the argument for legalizing marriage between incestuous couples. If the only thing that matters is that another adult is in the home, then why should it matter if the two adults are siblings? (The risk of homozygous genetic disorders in children born from closely-related parents is actually very small, not much more than the risk of genetic disorders in children born to older mothers. I think the argument against sibling marriage based on the genetic risk to resultant children is a straw-man).

But the issue doesn’t end there. Let’s say that children of same-gender, polygamist or sibling parents truly are not at any greater risk than children of mother-father parents. This would lend support to changing the legal definition of marriage to include, at least, gay couples, sibling couples, and polygamist groups. But part of the equation the government must evaluate, is the costs to the type of society the government chooses to advance. A society built upon the basic unit of mother-father-children is different than a society built upon the much expanded unit of mother-mother-children, father-father-children, multi-adults-children, sibling-sibling-children, etc. They are not the same, and the government needs to decide which sort of society it wishes to advance, because it cannot simultaneousy advance both.

The big question is this: Who gets to decide if we should change the fundamental unit of a society? In a democratic society, I believe it should be the voice of the people. If we, as a society, decide that we want to encourage and increase the formation of different kinds of families by expanding the legal benefits of marriage, then we need to follow democratic procedures. This is already being done on a state-by-state basis, and that is fine. I may not like it, but I can always choose to live in a different state. And if as a nation we decide we want to formally change the definition of marriage through Constitutional amendments or what have you, again, I may not like it, but such is the cost of living in a free society. Sometimes the people will freely choose something I don’t like. However, what most proponents of keeping marriage between an unrelated man and woman so vehemently oppose, is the strong-arm tactic many people on the other side of this issue are using: the use of the courts to mandate something that a) may not be in the best interest of the state, and b) is in opposition to the will of the people.

This is why people on the right desire strict-constructionist judges. Not because we insist that everything in our society remain exactly as it was in 1790. Obviously times change, societies evolve. That is the beauty of the amendment process. But we want judges who will respect, not only the Constitution, but also the rule of law in the United States, and respect the will of the people and the amendment process. That is why it is so galling to us to see "progressive" judges taking end-runs around the Constitution and the will of the people, and forcing their own opinions and interpretations and desires upon all of us. That is not the democratic way. I would not oppose the people attempting to amend the Constitution to secure marriage rights for any sort of couple. Well, I wouldn’t vote for such an amendment, but I wouldn’t oppose the people’s attempt, if that makes sense. But I vehemently oppose the tactic of shopping around for judges who will simply make rulings in favor of a specific group, Constitution and the people be damned.

Remember that none of this has anything to do with individual freedoms. The government does not prevent single mothers from having children, nor does it prevent lesbian couples from undergoing inseminations, or gay couples from adopting infants from surrogate mothers, or anyone from adopting waiting or special needs children. I would be opposed to the government trying to impose such restrictions on these individual liberties, no matter how much I disagree with the particular exercise of freedom.

The question of gay marriage is this: Is it in the best interest of the State to encourage (and therefore increase) the formation of same-sex parented families (or polygamist families, sibling-couple familes, or what have you)? Yes, gay couples are going to have children. That is a fact. And the state will extend any and all available benefits to those children as it would to any other child. This is not a question of whether or not the State is going to protect children. In fact, it is easier for some of these children to qualify for benefits since the income level required for benefits is less for single-parents than for married parents. The only question is whether or not the government wishes to legalize, normalize, and, inevitably, increase the formation of such families by imparting financial benefits to various couples (or groups of people) in "exchange" for their commitment to stay together and raise the children. This has nothing to do with what is "fair" or who is "better" than whom, or whatever. That is why arguments based on issues of equity or fairness are completely irrelevant to the question of whether or not the state should change the legal definition of marriage and expand marriage benefits.

Going to Houston

I'm too depressed to write anything political, so you are all spared.

I got the go ahead to have my evaluation for the bone marrow transplant. I'll be going to Houston for Mon.-Wed. next week for a bunch of tests. I think they're all just to make sure I'm healthy enough to go through with the procedure. I'll be at M.D. Anderson and meeting the Oncologist, Dr. Popat. It will be interesting, as I have a lot of questions. I hope nothing unexpected comes up. My mom is coming out here Sunday to take care of things while I'm gone.

I took a few pictures of Moses yesterday for your enjoyment.

He either looks really cute here, or slightly evil. I'm not sure which.

And this is the look I got that let me know he had reached his quota of pictures. "No more pictures, mom!"

Gay marriage

I've been corresponding with a friend about various political/social issues. Here's my response to her question about my position on the issue of gay marriage. What do you think? Strengths? Weaknesses? Anything glaring I've left out? I'm trying to keep things non-religious, because obviously religious arguments will hold no weight with nonreligious people.

I really appreciate you asking me about this stuff. It gives me a chance to clarify my own thinking, and it is so nice to actually be able to have a reasonable discussion about these issues.

One of the really unfortunate consequences of such a polarized society such as the one in which we live, with people divided into "left" and "right" on nearly every issue, is that people tend to get very emotional about their positions, and as soon as emotions become paramount in debate, rational discussion ends. People quit listening to each other and start calling names instead.

On the issue you bring up, as you might expect, I am opposed to gay marriage. However, despite what many people on the other side of this issue may think, it has nothing to do with homophobia, or hatred, or mean-heartedness. I have no desire to hurt gay people, or to deny them any of the good things this life has to offer, or to imply that they are less human than anyone else. This is what I mean about emotions getting involved. People on the "left" in this issue become very emotional, and rightly so when they don't think about the issue in any terms other than "fairness."

First of all, marriage is not a "right." It is a legal contract sanctioned by the government. It is *not* a right. As soon as marriage starts being thought of as a "right," things get very complicated. If it is my "right" to be married, does that mean the government is therefore obligated to provide me a marriage partner?? Clearly not. Marriage is not a right.

Second, when we consider changing the legal criteria for marriage, we need to think very seriously about the consequences of such changes. There is another huge issue when it comes to gay marriage, and that is the "slippery slope" issue. If we open the door for gay marriage, there really is *no* legal basis to deny marriage to siblings pairs, to parent/child couples, to polygamists. And I think it would be a very bad move for a government to lend its sanction to incestual and other questionable kinds of unions. We do need a "bright line" distinction in this area, and the only one that holds up is the criteria of unrelated male and female.

I think most people don't really understand the purpose of marriage. The legal contract of marriage was originated for one purpose. For the protection of children. Marriage really has very little to do with the adults involved, and has everything to do with the protection of children that might result from such a union. I have *no* problem *whatsoever* with gay couples being awarded the same legal rights as married couples when it comes to benefits, inheritance rights, etc. No problem whatsoever. But the specific legal contract of marriage should be reserved for a man and a woman, in my opinion. And this opinion is based on the fact that children are best served when they are raised by a genetically unrelated mother and father.

I think there are fair questions about whether or not gay couples statistically are just as able to raise children fully capable of entering and maintaining stable society. My opinion is that there are essential differences between the genders (despite what Betty Friedan and other feminist movement proponents believe), and that society is best served when the majority of individuals are raised with an equal contribution of feminine and masculine influences. (And, not to be redundant, government should obviously not sanction anything that does not best serve the interest of the society). But I also concede that this is a matter for debate. As a society we simply have not had enough time to do the sociological studies to examine the long-term effects on children raised entirely without the influence of one gender or the other. And I think it would be very unwise to change the legal definition of marriage before we have a much greater level of undestanding in this area.

But really, are there any serious questions that children are *not* protected (and society *not* best served) when born to a father and mother who are full siblings, or, even worse, a mother seduced and impregnated by her own father?? Are children truly protected when born to the 15th wife of one man? (And I say this being the great-great-grandchild of a polygamist man and his 4th wife). Are there any real questions that such children run a significant risk of being less able to fully participate and contribute to a stable society?

I think as a people we should be *very* certain about the wisdom of changing such a fundamental platform in society as marriage. We better be very, very sure that there are not going to be terrible unintended consequences to our actions. As I said before, the question of marriage is much, much, much larger than simply two individuals who love each other and wish to be married. If it were *only* about that, there would be no question in my mind, at least, that gay marriage should be allowed. Unfortunately all the tangential issues make this issue much stickier than how it appears at first glance.

Here's just another example of possible complications and unintended consequences. Many churches are involved in adoptions. My church and the Catholic church in particular are very involved in placing children for adoption. At this point in time, my church can legally restrict adoption to legally married couples. What if the government were to grant full marriage privileges to any couple, gay, siblings, or whomever? Could my church be legally compelled to place children with couples, to whom it has deep religous objections? The inevitable consequence would be for the LDS church and Catholic church (just to name two) to withdraw from the adoption service. This would be a tragedy. Such a move would certainly would not be protecting these children.

So that's basically my position. I believe that too many people look at this issue in a very shallow way. Many people on the left see it simply as a matter of government treating gay people "unfairly." And some people on the very religious right, simply look at it as government sanctioning something about which they have deep religious or moral reservations. Both views are entirely too simplistic. I certainly wouldn't be opposed to having a full and open public debate about this issue. But few people on the left (sorry, but this is true) are willing to actually debate the real issues. They get stuck on the "fairness" issue and can't get off.

Super (???) Tuesday

Ok, here is what may ultimately be the best case scenario:
McCain will take the nomination, but Romney will be respectably close.
I don't know who will be the Democrat nominee (don't care) but I think they will definitely win the national election.
In 4 years the democrat will have gone crazy with spending and a million new programs and amnesty for all illegals and giving away goodies to everyone, and our country will be in an impossible financial situation. Four years from now no one will be able to ignore it because it will have taken on emergency proportions. I'm hoping that we don't have another 9/11 with the inevitable scale back of national defense. Yes, it would help our cause, but that is too big a price to pay.
In four years McCain will be out of the picture. He'll be too old and he won't run again, having been soundly beat four years previously.
Romney (or some other real conservative) will come in and finally start talking sense. The media might actually even report it because our country's financial situation will be so bad. Americans will finally realize that the government can't keep spending money we don't have, and they'll finally see the need for someone who will come in and drastically clean things up.
Conservatives will have 4 years to do some real soul-searching, and come back to their senses and to their conservative roots.
The way will be paved for Romney, or someone like him (I hope it's Romney, though), to take the 2012 election and save America before we spend ourselves to death.
Maybe it's even better that Romney not take the nomination this time around. It could very well be that the country is not ready to elect him. Given the reluctance of "conservatives" to fully embrace the only conservative left in the race, this is a very real possibility. And if he did get the nomination and didn't win the national election, he would have the same problem McCain will, and won't be able to run again.
Additionally, in four years the fact that he's Mormon will be old hat, and won't have the shocking, scandalous quality that it has now.
So, I'm now hoping, not that Romney comes from behind and takes the nomination, but that he comes close enough so that it makes sense for him to run again in four years. No matter how things look tomorrow, I really hope he'll stay in the race until the end.

And yes, this is me trying to feel better about the way things are shaping up.

Birthdays and stuff

Lest you all believe I have been completely caught up in my own angst the past few weeks, I have not been unaware of a few birthdays that have passed by. I am just a jerk and forget to acknowledge them in my letters.
So, Eva, I hope you had a great birthday! You are now a Mia Maid! If you were in my ward that means you would be in our giggliest, silliest, noisiest class of Young Women. You might think the Beehives would be gigglier and sillier, but this is not so. It stinks that you had finals the week after your birthday weekend. I hope you had some fun and didn't only study. Fourteen was a good year for me. It was my freshman year in high school and overall it was a pretty good year.
Abe, now you are 19!! I don't remember my 19th birthday at all, sorry. I know I was beginning my sophomore year at Rice. It would have been the very beginning of the semester, and I don't remember if I did anything or if anyone really knew it was my birthday. Probably my friends did, I just don't remember. Most of that year was pretty rough on me. But I met Ben when I was 19, decided to transfer to BYU when I was 19, and overall, at least the end of 19 was very good for me. I was thinking of you on the 2nd. It's good to have a birthday on Saturday if it is during the school year. Did you wear the T-shirt Eva sent you?! :-)
I also have been thinking a lot about President Hinckley over the past week as many people have, I'm sure. I have a feeling that has also added to my emotionalism this week. I am so happy for him, but I'll miss him so much as well. I'm old enough to have very clear memories of President Kimball, President Benson was "my prophet" for most of my growing-up years, and of course I remember President Hunter, but he wasn't prophet for very long. President Hinckley definitely connected with me best of all the prophets in my lifetime.
I really loved him. He had the perfect mix of humor and solemnity. I felt like he could really challenge us to be better, but did so in such an encouraging way that you couldn't really feel defensive about anything he said. He made me laugh at least once in every talk. And his energy and optimism were totally unmatched, in my opinion. He was amazing and I will sure miss seeing him at General Conference. It seems like he was the guy who conducted GC for years and years and years. His face is inextricably connected with GC in my mind.
Although this happened just in the last General Conference, I will always think of him "knighting" President Eyring with his cane as just being quintessential President Hinckley. He made carrying a cane almost seem cool.
I watched the funeral on Saturday and it was very sweet. I cried during the slideshow set to that beautiful song "My Shepherd Will Supply My Need." I've had the hardest time singing that song without crying, so to have the slideshow superimposed onto that song was really, really touching to me.
It's hard to imagine having another prophet, but I guess it's like having another child. You can't really imagine it until it happens, and then it seems like it was meant to be all along. But I will really miss him.
My boys and husband are doing well. Brigham lost another tooth Sunday morning, one of his bottom teeth. He's now lost all four of his bottom middle teeth. He was actually really happy about this tooth because it is one Joseph actually hasn't lost yet! The morning then took a negative turn for Brigham, though, because he couldn't find his Sunday shoes. Now Brigham loves to get all spiffed up for church. He had given me one of his church shoes earlier in the week for me to polish for him, because it had a few scuff marks. But then Sunday morning he couldn't find the other one. He was so sad! He cried and cried at the prospect of having to wear his dingy old school shoes. But somehow he survived.
Brigham has the hardest time with his shoes. I have a "shoe box" out in the garage where the boys are always supposed to put their shoes. They come home with gallons of sand in their shoes from the school playground, so I try to make sure they take their shoes off in the garage and put them straight in the shoe box. But still, Brigham manages to misplace his shoes at least twice a week. He actually lost his school shoes for almost two weeks, and I went to Payless and bought some new ones. Of course that very afternoon he found his shoes (outside, where I had told him several times to look), and Joseph showed me his shoes which had a hole in the toes. So Joseph ended up with the new shoes.
Ok, enough for tonight. I didn't get any steroid treatments this week. I told you all last week that I was suffering from a bad cold, right? Well, sickness always exacerbates MS symptoms, and I started to feel a little better by Wednesday when my cold started abating. And I never did get a call back from my doctor here about what he and the Houston neuro decided. But today has been bad on my legs. I think I overdid it yesterday, so maybe I'm just paying for it today. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I wish the steroids weren't so yucky so that the decision to do another round of treatment wouldnt' be so hard.
Dr. Tallman had me start back up on Rebif at the beginning of last month, as a "just-in-case" measure while I'm gearing up for the bone marrow transplant. Boy, I hate Rebif. I'm not even up to the full dose yet (although I'll start up on the full dose this week). The shots sting really bad going in, and you have to rotate your injection site for each shot, and 2 of the 4 acceptable sites are on my legs. Now, you might think that my legs would be a good place for shots, since they're mostly numb anyway, right? Not really, though. I have what's called "clonus" in both my legs. Basically it's hyperreflexivity, and causes my legs to jerk involuntarily periodically. The clonus is triggered by any weird sensation in my legs-- itching, getting poked, whatever. So the shots make my legs jerk really, really bad. When I do the injection, I'm supposed to leave the needle in place for 10 seconds to make sure all the medicine is injected. Well, try to keep a needle in place while your legs are jerking uncontrollably!! It's not easy, and it really hurts because it makes the needle dig all around in my leg. Copaxone didn't do that, because the medicine didn't sting going in. Copaxone caused quite a bit of soreness in the injection site after the fact, and Rebif doesn't, so I guess that's good, but I don't know how to do the shots without making my legs to crazy. And I hate the Rebif because it makes me crazy. Irritable and grumpy (yeah, that's probably had something to do with my discontent this week as well) and just not like myself. Ask Ben, he'll vouch for that. AND I really think it's pointless. It didn't work last time, and Rebif has never been shown to be effective for any form of MS besides RRMS, so I'm going through all this misery for nothing. And I know once I hit the full dosage this week, all the flu symptoms will return. That's what was really the kicker for me last time, feeling like I had the flu constantly-- fever, body aches, the whole nine yards.
Ok, that is quite enough moaning and groaning for one night.